Once in a Blog time

What started as my biggest revelation has ended up being my biggest nightmare. I do not have the strength anymore. I do not have the will or the enthusiasm to come to terms with myself.

My confessions are deadly. They change. They come back. They hold no meaning once they are out in space.

Seriously, what am i running away from? Me or reality? Am i this weak? Have i always been this week, dependent on people, but pretending to be fiercely independent?

What am i? Who am i?

WIth every passing moment, i am running, but from whom? Why am i running? What do i fear to lose? All these question unanswered. He tells me that I am the one with the answers within myself. I dig deep. All i find in hollowness, confusion, and a lot of self contradiction.

I have become an excuse for my actions. "I have always been that way", this is what i say after my every action. But is this true? Do i say what i mean? Am i even true to myself? Am i even what i have always thought myself to be.

I feel like thousands of me live in one body, changing with every second, every moment?

Will i find my answers if i live in solitude? Will i find my answers if i cut my cords with the people i have given myself to?

Am i capable of living alone?

May be i am just a parasite, sucking out emotions from people who love me. May be i am just an ordinary person with an extraordinary appetite for weakness.

Do i make you weak to suck away your happiness?

Dogma

What do you think is good for you, could turn out to be fatal for you. I am very tired, for no reason at all. Feel extremely exhausted. The four walls of my room are filled with memories and it is suffocating me. Kolkata has become such a bitch to me, but i am determined. I am not going to let my emotional turmoil ruin this vacation for me. What was to be done is done. There is no looking back. I have to move forward. I have to regain the essence of life.

This hollowness will fade away, i know. It always does. My ethos of life is to live. I will live. I have to survive.

R.I.P Love

I know i have not done justice to my blog. I have suffered a lot the past month, and somehow i am coming to a closure now that i am home.

Letting go off a relationship has never been easy. This time, though, it is extra hard. It is more painful than usual.He was a good man, and he treated me well. A lot of things have changed though. We had a lot of problems, lot of hiccups we had to overcome.We did in a way, but all those time i drifted apart. All those times i made a wall around me.

Do not take me wrong. I still care for you, but it is not the same. I do not melt at your sight anymore. I do not just fly away when i am with you.

Things have changed. I have changed. It is better to move on than holding onto something so hollow.

Have a good life. Forgive me if you can. As long as i was with you, i loved you with all my heart.

cringe

I have no idea how to explain the state of my mind right now. I am extremely bitter, i am extremely frustrated. One thing i have come to understand is that my past will always be there to haunt me.

GOD!! wtf! there is something called moving on. I am trying. Why the fuck are you stuck? I cannot comment on anything without you going back.

SO for me either i zip it, or take up whatever you have to complain about!

YOUR six months, YOUR pain, YOUR love!

You keep on saying that everything is about me, but is it?

A bit of bantering!

I cannot express how frustrated i am right now with college. Last semester wasn't this bad or this HARD. Godfuckindamnit!!

I will cut open the person who will ever say that "Undergrad in USA toh khub easy"!!!!!




aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

I want to scratch open someone's eyeballs before i return to my 10-page long essay which is due TOMORROW!

All is Yours

I know you will be reading this sometime soon, and it is written exclusively for you.

Ganguly, I know i am not one of those mushy girlfriends who gush over anything the boyfriend does. I know i am tough with you. I know i can be quite a pain sometimes. I hurt you, i undermine your dreams, i sometimes even discourage you.

But tonight i long to be with you. I just want to lie beside you, and hear your heartbeat, which is always so profound and loud. Today i wish i can stand beside and look at the skies from your terrace. Tonight, i am longing to be exclusively yours. Tonight i declare myself rid of all my thoughts, and tonight i guess it is your victory. You have done it Ganguly, you have cleansed me and made me yours. I am more proud of you than i am proud of myself. I feel liberated. Thank you for sticking with me, and making me feel anew.

Tonight I am yours baby, and tonight we celebrate our love.

Till, you have read this you wouldn't even know how much you have helped me. Somehow, i like it that way. When you would read this after a day or two, i know you will have a smile on your face. :)

Let's love Again

Insecurity is one thing, but hyperventilating because i "dreamt" that he will leave me is making me think i am going crazy.

Let me make one thing very clear - to myself - i am not one of those girls hungry for love. Well, i appreciate being loved, but i am not going to get crazy because i am insecure. I may not be the perfect girl on this planet, but i do have my strengths.

I believe that love does not last forever. It does not. It changes like seasons. People fall in and out of love almost every day, and it is stupid to think that heartaches last forever. It lasts alright, but fades away with time. So, being insecure will take no one, anywhere. Be ready to face the heartache. Be ready for the special someone to tear you into pieces. Do not think how painful it would be, do not think you will die without them, but think that if you were meant to be, then the pain would had not come on the first place. Do not compromise your place in love. Fight for your rights. If you are being loved, you should be loved for what you are.

Today, i kind of realized a very "gobhir" thought.Ganguly has seen the worst of me. I couldn't go any more cruel than what he has seen me do. Therefore, if he has stuck with me through that then, i should zip my hole, and stop being insecure. He will leave, if he has to leave. If i dread the moment that may have NO chance of occurring, i am losing all the moments which could have been beautiful memories.

I am giving us another shot. Not because of myself, but because of showing him that all those times he did not leave me, he made the right decision. I am worth it,if i feel myself to be.

Love is a weird phenomenon my friends. It makes you want to die. Other moments it makes you want to live. There are some exclusive moments where it teaches you to love yourself. ;)

Sweet Call

There is just one thing i want you to know,
There is just one thing I want you to see,


I am in agony, I am in need.

Just because i say so, This time, Do not just let me be......

Bird's Nest

When i think about home nowadays, i think how many memories i am missing with my family. I have missed almost everyone's birthday, my mom's just two days away, and i would have to wish her over the phone. Now, i won't be able to get up in the morning and go to her room and curl myself up under her blanket. The way she rubbed my back, and talked about my future, made me think my life was perfect as long as i have my mother. I miss her the most. More than anyone.

I also feel sad when i think, that i missed Krish's first day at school. I miss the way he is growing up. I am missing all that time i would had been close to him, if i were not crazy to chase my dreams in the "land of dreams".

I do not regret my decision, but i do know that life would had been more colorful with family around. However much of a dysfunctional family i have, it is still family. It is important to survive. It is important to value oneself. I know many teenagers and young adults want to move out to be away from family. My advice to them: do not run away from them. If u have to move away for your future, do it, but remember family is what you will have that is yours forever, without any conditions.

"Aye brishti jhepe"

I have never been able to see the romanticism in a rainy day. I tried, but i couldn't. I still remember as a child looking at my sister lazying around on a rainy day. Playing ghazals on the tape-recorder, talking to one of her boyfriends. I used to act to think it was all so romantic. I was six, a mere child. As i grew up, i figured, i HATE rain. Monsoons in kolkata meant a relief from the glaring heat, it did not mean feeling poetic or romantic. Fancy my luck, i am now stuck in Plattsburgh, where it rains almost every week. I hate mud, i hate water-log, i hate getting my clothes wet, i hate it the most when the hem of my jeans gets all muddy and black. *uggggghhhh*

You know what's romantic? The snow. The first flake of crystals makes me gush. It gives me an adrenaline rush. The whiteness and the purity cleanses my mind, and i feel like standing outside for long hours, just looking at the white, glittering snow. It's so soft, and mushy. I love the slush it makes after melting a bit. I love the silence it creates. I love the first snow. I just love snow. period.

I guess i am a romantic. Just at a different time of the year. I think i do not need to mention that i am not looking forward to the weather in Kolkata. I would appreciate some heat, but not the humid kind. One thing i adore about the monsoons in Kolkata: phuchka in the evening, the cool breeze blowing through my hair. ;)

Outcome of a doomed weather

I let you be,
I let you grieve,
I let you be one with me.

I held you tight,
I wiped your tears,
I took away all your fears.

I dreamt your dreams,
I chased your goals,
I forgot who i really was.

In all these ways,
I have given myself away.
But now it is time to change all that.
Now it is time for me to live my life.

That's it

You know what? I am not going to get on the scale again and frustrate myself. I have been slacking and so the pounds are creeping back again. I am done. I need to get back in shape. No wonder my back is acting haywire, and my entire system is getting all messed up. I need to get back to my usual self.

So tomorrow i am hitting the gym again which have been avoiding because all of this shit happening to me. I need to quit thinking about those, and think about myself.

It's a new day tomorrow. It's a new me. :)

Being Back.

I know i have been ignoring my blog for a very long while. But i am taking my time, recovering. I do not wish to voice my emotions this time, because they were too deep, too personal, something that cannot be translated into English words. So i won't force them. I have decided to keep them in me, and understand what they truly are before i fast pace into writing/typing them down.

One thing that i have noticed is,ki, being 20 sucks in the US. Like you are so close to legal age, but still fucking aren't legal. God i hate this country and its rules.

Another thing is that i have been a very stupid person for the past few months. Or may be i was a few months ago. This blog has hurt a few people i know and not know. Well, i think i was carried away by my emotions and didn't think straight.Ganguly's latest outburst, and his way around me has kind of jolted me back to reality. I have always been a nice person, and i am not going to change that because of past issues, fuck-ups and all those things i did, that nauseates me now.

Well, i call them, the part of my teenage life. With that gone, my tantrums have gone too, i hope.

Hell

That's what i am going through- Hell!

Hellish birthday, hellish first anniversary, hellish life. When you think the worst is over, you are shaken back to reality, and you know that you have not moved on because you are right there.

I do not feel like doing anything. No writing, no listening to music, no NOTHING. I am tired. I am hurt. I am in pain. A different kind of pain. This time, i am in pain for myself. This time i am in pain, for being me.

I want to be out of my box

I am going through a lot of shit right now, OK? Even if you do not complain on my face, i know you are doing it subtly. I try my best to give you time. I try my best to come back to this stupid computer. I try my best to answer my phone, but i have a lot of shit to do HERE.

I am tired. I need a hug. I am tired. I need your embrace.

My birthday is coming up, and it's coming with a lot of shit. The worst week in school. I have five exams, and three projects to work on. I need a break. I need some peace. I need my life, for once. I need to be loved and not love all the time.

I am sorry. Just because i am in an emotional crisis, it does not mean you have to bear with it. I am sorry.

"I do not know what to name this" Post

I know i have been ignoring my blog for a long time, and i am sorry for that. But i have not been feeling like writing for a long time. I have a lot to write about, but i cannot come to a point to put them down as words.

Feelings are jumbled. I am moving on at last. That is what i would like to think.AND thinking that makes me feel a bit better. He has moved on, CLEARLY, and may be he is moving on AGAIN. I am his past, so it does not make sense if i make him my present.

Focusing more on myself: I am kind of slagging. Extremely lazy. Even if i do feel like going to class, i just look at the clock, make my mind, turn around and go to sleep again. I have noticed, that i sleep a lot when i am depressed. I will sleep through a freaking fire alarm. I am mostly always tired, and irritated easily. I am no where near a 4.0 GPA, and i don't feel like pushing myself towards it. WHY? NO IDEA. Even if life is fine, there is something missing. I think i am missing my source of strength.Ultimate freedom does these stupid things to you. I miss my Maa, cursing at my laziness, and to shut her up, i made my ass get up and do something worthwhile. I miss her thrashing. You need someone to drive you to your Global Maximum.

I will be 20 in five days. I have achieved mostly what i wanted to by this age. But am lagging behind in two goals.
1. The all alone backpack Europe trip hasn't happened yet.
2. Losing weight. Which I DID accomplish, but i have gained half of it back. So it doesn't count. :( Blame my laziness, i swear i feel like an idiot sometimes.

But other goals have been achieved, and i am happy about it. I found love, too many i guess. I am in the U.S of A. Feels good, but it isn't that merry as it seems. Other goals have been over-achieved. Like instead of having one tattoo, i have four. :p

There are some goals, that even after being achieved seems not worth it.

But anyways that's life, and as my instructor says, "You just have to suck it up, sometimes"

Getting Older

I have a squirmy feeling in my stomach since morning. I do not know what is is for. I do not know if it is a signal or not. My gut feeling has always, almost been very accurate, but i do not what is it this time.

I trust myself more than i used to a few weeks back. Life changes overnight, and i have learned to cope up with it. I do not get hysterical anymore, and i do not throw a fit and accuse everyone around me. I have learnt to be happy in my skin. I am pretending. I am holding on to my sanity.

You know why?

Because when i am hurt, it's just me being hurt. No one will understand it. No one will ever even relate to what i am going through. You can sympathize alright, but that means shit. It's my pain. No one will be ever to reduce it, no one can take it away. Moreover, mostly people don't bother. No one wants a whiny bitch in their life. So i have stopped being whiny.

I feel kind of empty. Like a big chunk of me is missing. Sometimes makes me think, that i have been feeling this for so long that i do not recognize the moment when i am NOT feeling it. But there are moments when i get happy, and when the feeling of a gap creeps in me, it hurts like a bitch.

I need a break from all these thought. I need a break from myself. I need a break from you. Most people in my life have been huge mother-fuckers. It's okay. I need a break from all of you. Those whom i loved like a part of me turned out to be even bigger bastards. Lust and Money, they were ready to take in a fat girlfriend. When i think about this it makes me laugh. They cannot digest the fact that i dumped them - An ugly bitch dumped their ass. May be they deserved it OR may be not.

Another thing. Apologies do not matter. If a dick head wants to be a dick head and think with his dick then no amount of apology will ever make him feel sorry for me. It's okay, AGAIN. I am not "really" the loser here.

And the guy i have in my life right now? I feel sorry for him. He has been through so much of shit with me, it's ridiculous he has still stuck to me. For him whatever shit i have gone through is ridiculous too. I can walk away from him any day i want. I know he doesn't have the ability to stop me. But i do not want to walk away from him. For a change i am in love because he says he is in love with me. The day he changes his mind, i will make him miserable, but till then i want to live this life with him.

He is not really a knight in shining armor, but he definitely is a person close to my heart. The only person in this world whom i do not hate with all my heart. I do hate him, but i love him more. He has accepted me with all my flaws, i appreciate that. Many did not have the balls to do that! But no! this guy claims to love me.

Let him Love me. I am not complaining. I rather like it a lot. :)

Not my Words

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire sooner or later
I get what i'm asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time i bleed
The truth is a stranger soul is in danger
I gotta let my spirit be free

To admit that i'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but i have to move on
And leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything i've done
Live every second like it was my last one

Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once needed protection
You're still a part of everything i do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you
I'll always have you
I'll always have you"


--Jordin Sparks

What's the FUCKING point!

It's a money game,
However much i want to deny it,
My life is a money game.
College education-money game.
Higher degrees-money game.
How will i survive?
Is it based on money game?

Fight cancer, fight AIDS,
What's the point, when your pocket is empty?
I am mad, I am disgusted,
At what the world is coming to be.

Serving science is ridiculous,
No one will hear you even if you are a genius.

Wow them, Show them you will get them Money,
Or shush yourself, and get a corporate degree,Honey!

Boo Hoo Healthcare!

The entire Health Care/ Insurance debate in this country is making me want to blow my own head. The entire agenda is free health care, on the other hand there are companies giving out genetic information for only a mere $1000. WTF!!?? If i know i have a potential of having breast cancer ( dependent on my genetic evaluation) i am going to think about Health Insurance that would pay for my treatment if i DO have breast cancer in the future. Okay. SO what if i can't afford the premium? Will my life move into eternal doom?

Make health care affordable. That is my point, or at least there should be governmental facilities where the poor people can actually can get treatment without paying. What is the point of selling the healthy kidney to get funding to treat the effected kidney??

It's ridiculous. It's inhumane. Makes me re-think if i want my career in medical science or not.

What is the point in dedicating my life to find a cure, when people themselves won't be able to afford it??

Fuck This World!!

Friendships: long lost

No. I do not tell stories. I have never blown anything out of proportion. I have not lied to save myself, may be for others. I never lied to you before that fateful day.

I am tired of making myself come back to the same spot. Fuck! I do not want this for me. I never wanted this for me. I am doing well. I want to keep that in mind. I am doing fine. I have to believe this. I have to believe this if i have to uphold this pretension of sanity.

I do not know if you are in pain or not, or is this is just a mere halt in your game, but i sympathized. I tried to. I wanted to tell you that things will be fine. I wanted to tell you a lot of things, but what did i get out of it? Pain again. Feeling of self-contempt.

I am not doing this EVER again. I will not pay notice to you. I thought we were friends, but you proved me wrong again. The likeness ends. Life presents you a new turn, even if you think you have been down that road before.

what's the deal this time?

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle All the way,
Oh! what fun is to wonder,
Why my life is an epic fail!

:)


Just acting under the weather! too much of rain! not needed!

Got another tattoo! Each of them symbolizes a great part of the pain i have suffered since last year.Every time i was in immense pain, i transformed it onto body art. I transform it to something visual.

I will take a break from the ink now. Is it because i am content now? Or is it because i am waiting for another mind-fuck-blow?

Dialogue!

Hey you!

Yes, I am talking to you!!

Yes! YOU!

Take a U-turn!

Good.


Yeah, yeah! Just stop right there!! Yes! There!

See this place? Where you stranded me. Left me alone?

Bookmark it.

Fast forward the road again. Good! You are right where we started from. In the present of course you dummy!

Look around!

Do you regret something?

Lessons

With everything that has happened over the past, i feel so inadequate that it is not even funny. A year is about to be completed since last April, and what have i learnt?

1. Love IS blind. You do not see where you are headed to.

2. The price is heavy for breaking someone's heart. It will haunt you forever.

3. You never understand when you are getting used, and when you are using someone.

4. Past can be a HUGE bitch. She should be raped in public.

5. Your life's biggest dream has come true, but it doesn't matter as you are in pain.

6. Heartache is constant.

7. Promises are vague.

8. Living away from home is not what anyone would want.

9. Then again, home can be your worst nightmare.

10. Soul-mates do not exist. EVERYONE moves on.

11. Love is over-rated.

12. Lust is under-rated.

13. I love you.

14. I am sorry.

15. It doesn't matter.

16. You broke my trust.

17. I trust you again.

18. But if you hurt me again, i will castrate you in public.

19. Time flies, you move on, but i will remain in you forever.

20. I failed. You won. I accept it.

21. I do not want a year like this EVER again.

22. Pain has become a part of me. I enjoy it now.

23. I love you.

Am i looking forward to a new year, yes. But this time i am the stronger person. This time you may sway out of your way, but i will stand undeterred.

Expensive!

I have been used,
Over and over again.
The resources are draining out,
My existence is going faint.

Once there was a time,
I was so sure of myself.
Once there was time,
I made everything sustain.

Now that i am invisible,
not what you want to hold.
I am no more the object of your desire,
I am no more a pot of gold.

Nobody but Me

It is nobody's fault the way I am.

I know i am insensitive, i know i am quite a pain. I know i throw unnecessary tantrums. I know that i am all that is not desired.

I am me, because that is how it is meant to be. I have changed over the years because of my situations and my experiences. I cannot blame them on a particular person. I cannot blame it on you. The circumstances molded me. My life has molded me.

I am calm with what i am, i am at peace. I have accepted that life can be a bitch. I have accepted that i am not good enough.

It is Okay. I will live.

seasons change every day

Dew drops on the grass,
beauty lays undercover.
Orange leaves, withering away,
winter's gone, spring is on the way.

Morning shivers, evening gloom,
seeing spring in a new form.
Golden light, bright and warm,
Spring is not for long.

Summer is on the way,
Fall is again nearby,
Another year lost in dismay.

Barbie Doll

Do you taste something bitter?
Like something burning you inside?
That is me in you,
working like acid in disguise.

Love is not easy, promises are not solid.
You taught the lesson i did not need.
Now suffer away, because you have broken my trust,
I will caress you to sleep, and then tear open your heart.

Just Because it is your Fault

I have not been writing for a long time now. May be, because i don't know how to describe my feelings in words. I am experiencing feelings of regret or revulsion? I quite do not know. Or may be both.

Whatever that has happened has taught me a severe lesson in life. The most severe. I am not afraid to be alone anymore. I am not afraid to experience things all by myself. Nothing lasts forever. No feeling is deep enough to make any relationship pure. The pitfalls will arise eventually. If it does not happen to me, it will happen to him and vice versa.

I also discovered that i can be quite a bitch. I can go to any extent to make him like he is the culprit, the entire world's downfalls is to be blamed on him. I will do it to anyone who hurts me and that is quite scary.

My body-clock has also reversed. This break from school has made me go reverse. I sleep in the days, stay awake at night. I am miscible with the darkness around me. I will crawl into you, and torture you into the black-hole of insanity.

School is opening day after tomorrow. i am ready to become busy again. I am ready to be jumbled up. I want to get over with this semester and go back to the familiarity of Kolkata air. This time, i promise myself, that i will explore my city more, and not brood over the guy/guys in my life. Love is overrated, hatred is underrated. My hatred for people cumulating inside me has brought a calm about myself. I do not fear that you will leave me and go. Because you have already left me. I love u, but then again i don't. I want you, but then again i want to be away from you.

You have to creep back into my life again. If you want me, you have to prove it. If you want my love, acquire it. Whatever you do, i never said it would be easy.:)

Square-one Homies!

When i need one moment of sanity, it is snatched away from me. I am sinking in this never ending pool of agony, and i have no one to pull me right back up.

I have acquired a taste for JD now. It tastes like honey, melting away my plight. I don't want to be the queen of agony. I think i have suffered enough.

But is enough ever enough? Why did you have to do this to me? You could have just said it once. Why ganguly? Why?

Craving

I think my system is poisoned. I want to throw up every single waking minute of my life. Tired, very tired. Bored, very bored. A week in Plattsburgh when NO ONE is around is like blahhh!!! I want home so bad, that it's not even funny. I want the warmth, and the love.

Definitely the love.

Ode to the Unknown

Life can fuck you in and out, if it wants to. I have had the biggest scare of my life in the past 48 hours, but things have settled. I do not know whom to thank for that. Should i thank my old life from home, or my new life in Plattsburgh? My friends here are amazing. They are my guardian angels. I have found a family. I have found brothers, sisters and soul-mates here. I am blessed in a way. I know all of these are lessons in life, and i am just glad that i have people to bank on. Thank you, to all of you, who don't know what you have proved to be in these past two days. :)

Life sways in it's motion.
You need to gather the strength to fight it.
It will try to break you, crush you,
You need to stand straight, do not give away.

All are lessons not found in books,
The teacher is invisible.
You are a student everyday, outside a classroom.
Your mistakes make up your future.
Your stunts make what you are.
Hold on, secure your feet.
Learn calmly what life has to teach.

Kinetics-Dynamics-FML

Yes, i am at a crossroad now. I do not know which way to go. To be more precise this is not a crossroad, it's a two way highway. I do not know to move forward or go back. Both ways are extremely harmful and catastrophic. So i am stagnant for now, weighing my options for a while.

If i go back, then, well.... it's gonna be high-end drama. If i move forward, it's a bit of drama, but i enter the swallowing hole of loneliness. It's not that I am living in a crowd right now, but i still have someone to bank upon, or may be i don't. The distances are finally creeping in. Long-distance relationship is finally taking it's toll.

I have hurt him, he excused me for my stupidness.
I move forward, dump all my skeletons in a closet, lock it and throw away the key.
He tries to open it up, and tears me apart again.
I can't trust him anymore.
I am building my wall again. I am slowly drifting away.
Even if he tells me he is sorry, i am scared. I am scared of being accused. I am scared of feeling like a complete nuisance.
I am fragile.

Do i move forward? Do i stand still?

Why Weasel?

Cents, quarter,
dollar and a pound.
Money matters all around.
Money walks, money talks,
Without money,Get Lost!

Buy love, buy fame,
Money Money,
It is all a game.
Money wins, Money triumphs,
Without money, nothing shines.

Money losses makes you cry,
Win a lottery and fly high.
To give money think twice,
To get money use sly.
Just some people,have it all,
And the rest of us have none.

"That's the way the money goes
Pop! goes the weasel."
Don't stop and scratch your nose,
"Pop! goes the weasel"

Once and for all

One by one,
the days pass by.
I want to hold you,
and sleep real tight.

I do not want to wake up,
face this nasty world.
I do not want to leave your embrace,
I do not want to let go of your touch.

Hold me again like the way you did,
whisper sweet nothings into my ears.
Become my best friend again,
We will walk the road together.
Let us renew our vows,
And immerse in each other.

Don't wake me up,
do not break my trance.
If to meet you is only in my dreams,
then put me to eternal sleep.
I will fade away with you in my soul.
I will fade away as a forgotten song.

Disappointed :(

Disappointment comes in a lot of forms, and i have faced almost a lot of those. Today, i am disappointed again. I think this year is not really mine. Have been fucked over and over. This time the feeling is different. It does not accompany regret and resentment.

This time the disappointment is because i did not achieve something, and my mom will suffer in shedding more money. I did not get the CA job, therefore no lowering of school fees. I feel so bad. Aaaaarrrgggghhhhh!!

Sorry maa, i let you down. But the RA decisions come at the end of March! if i don't get that then, i am kind of screwed.

*sigh*

No expectations, but yet expectations

I do not know what to call the emotions that are jumbled up in me right now. I am scared and brave, angry and mellow,and extremely vulnerable at this moment. Some would say i deserve this, but i would say that i don't.

I have been a fairly good person all these years of my life. Made everyone comfortable around. Gave up almost all my recreations in order to achieve the ultimatum love, but did not work. I am here alone and heartbroken.I am completely hopeless. I do not believe in promises anymore. I do not believe in the word "love". Love fades away. Even a saint of a person looks beyond these four letters and starts expecting in return. I expected, and here i am all torn apart. He said he never expected, but now he is starting to and all that backlash.

I have tried almost everything. Changed myself as a person to make him mine, in all ultimate reasons. I have stopped being immature. I have stopped doing everything that hurt him. Still, it does not work. He still questions my integrity, or so as i feel.

I am done. I am done making a victim of myself. No, i do not deserve this. I deserve to be a whole person. I deserve to be loved in all means because i have loved in all means. I have loved going beyond myself. I have loved against all my principles. Yes, i "expect" to be treated the way i should be.

Shoot me for that!

(N)orgasm

Goosebumps,
sweat beads.
Thumping heart,
racing beats.

Trembling lips,
hot skin.
Electric touch,
moan and scream.

Open buttons,
unzip jeans.
Come closer,
Your eyes gleam.

Dirty mind,
Purse lips.
Climb on me,
feel me in.

Back and forth,
sway in motion.
Scratched skin,
enter deeper.

Climax soon,
move faster.

Not just you,
what a disaster.

Eleven minutes
Is what it takes.
For you to enjoy,
and for me to fake.

Timbits

My love life is in a mess right now. I don't know who to blame for it, and i don't want to blame anymore. I am tired of this blame game. Just fuck it! It will never work if it is not meant to be. I believe it now. However much i try, things will not be fine. Once the damage is done, it is done forever.

Tonight i want to say some facts about my life. 7 facts. Why 7 facts? I don't know. Just like that!

1. I am a very insecure person. No sense of self-worth for myself. Sucks doesn't it? I mean if a hippie/gypsy chick is said to be better than me, then yes THAT does lead to low self value.

2. I am very ambitious. I will give up anything for my future. ANYTHING.

3. I am a very friendly person. I have always treated my friends like my family. Each one of them. I have been fucked in my ass by a lot of them when i needed them the most. That has led me to stop making friends in a jiffy.

4. I have learnt painting for 9 years, singing for 3 yrs, i have been an instrumentalist for 7 years and i was trained as a dancer for 3 years. Never completed any course, always quit. Why? My inconsistency.

5. I always thought that i could fall in and out of love pretty easily. This time it fucked me up. I couldn't fall in or out quite that easily. Changed my life. period.

6. I want to become a writer and join Politics.

7. I wish i could undo the day i lost my virginity. I wish it was not in a living room, but in a bedroom. I wish i was older.

Lets make it 8 facts. 7 is a bitchy number.

8. I am not a very confident person. I act to be confident, making me over-confident at times. :(


Me off to bed. Long day ahead.

Back to the future.

Yeah, i was wished Happy Birthday today and, it's not till next month! Amazing ain't it? That too by a person who has celebrated my birthday last two years, actually make it three, by gorging on food. Sweet.

Anyways, what i wanted to write about is that, I am NOT looking forward to my birthday. I don't want to be twenty. It's like being old. I won't be a teenager, my tantrums cannot be blamed on adolescence. Aarggghhh!! And the older i grow means that i have to start thinking about earning my own living. No mommy dependence anymore. Sucks!! So six more years till i make at least 60,000 moolah a year (in dollars of course). If science does not fetch me this money within six years, my mom's company would.

Back up plans make me happy. :)

Past my life!

I don't have a social life anymore. I have killed it. For whom, i don't know, but i know my social life has officially come to an end. And i am how old? 19 years and eleven months.Bizzare.

It's not that i don't have friends, but my friends are the nerds. The non-party type movie lovers. I don't drink, i don't party, hell i don't dance anymore. This time when i go back home, i will make it a point that i do enjoy myself.

Somehow, i am used to this life. Somehow, i like this peace and calmness that surrounds me.

I like it? or i have made myself like it?

Again

Walking my way,
all over again.
This time i ain't stopping.
Just like a meandering river,
I am gently flowing.

My way to my destiny,
suddenly got halted.
Life disrupted?
Who caused it, again?

I look up towards the endless skies,
goddamnit, i blame those Angel eyes.

Sigh of Relief!

I have gotten back all the results of my past exams, and I am relieved. I have scored fairly decent. On the borders of A's but i know i will make it. The past month and the turmoil that came with it, in my mind and my life, was just unbearable. I guess i made it through. I survived.

I have cut down a lot of things in my life. I have cut down on my fat intake, but my nicotine intake has risen up (ignore that). I have cut down on being completely obsessed with him, and he has become a thought now, which i shoo away every time it resurfaces. I have cut down on being a bitch. I have cut down on spending money. I have cut down on throwing tantrums in front of Ganguly. He complains subtly, he did it yesterday night, but i ignored it.

But i got a boost today, i am not strangling in my academics. I am still on the borderline of getting a 4.0 GPA, but i hope i still make it.

I have to. This is the only thing i have right now to keep me safe, keep me from hurting myself.

Why am i so high!?!?!?

OMG! I am still alive. After i taught my 300 level class (mind you, i am a freshman) today, i was relieved of a big nightmare. I was stuttering and my hands were sweaty, but i think i did a good job. For one moment i thought, i was born to do it. I was doing exactly i was supposed to do. Teach in a College, that too in US of A. yippee!!

Maa, i HAVE NOT made a mistake. I am doing the right thing. At least what i feel today. May be i am dealing with the wrong subject, but i did a great job. Me proud.

What i wanted to write now, is about that moment of supreme clarity in our head. It happens, like a burst of energy, it flows through your veins. You become the power. You become the epitome. You enact your destiny. For forty minutes today, i felt it. I felt like i was too cool for school. Except for Nishank, bursting my bubbles, it was pretty goddamn fine. But why the efff he has to be his genius self. I am intimidated and scared of him. That bloody human knows EVERYTHING about genetics.

AND the worse thing about him is, i want to be just like him! ;)

\m/ for life

I love metal music. However much my nerdy appearance can't support the fact, i am a metal head. But i am NOT a biased person. I love all kinds of music, but the music of my life is metal. Not the gore, screaming type, but the hidden melody type.

I listen to metal when i am happy, when i am sad, when i am hurt and of course when i work out. It somehow brings out my hidden emotions. In all that unclarity of instruments the clarity in head pops open.

When people complain "oh it's noisy" i don't blame them. It is noisy to those who do not suffer from tangled-emotion-syndrome. It's noisy to those who are distracted enough to not to notice the tune of harmony under all that chaos. Metal is the music of life, IMO. Under all that bullshit on our life, there's always a line of hope. The melody in metal is that line of hope.

Many people, though, DO NOT know how to make metal music. I don't understand the ridiculously heavy, monotonous distortion, and the competition of who has the fastest legs in the pedal. I appreciate metal for it's feel. I appreciate metal for it;s reason.

Therefore, those who hate metal, give it a chance. There is an amazing library of music out there waiting to be discovered.

Metal on, People. Raise those horns.
Call on to the viscous,
Pray to the lord of the chaos.

\m/

Your's till the end

Pick Me, Punch me.
Call me names.

Scorch me, scratch me.
End my game.

Lock me, beat me.
Break my neck.

Rape me, abuse me.
Do what you feel like.
But at the end of all,
Become my life.

Sins of your mind

I am envy,
I hate your life.

I am wrath,
I will break your spine.

I am greed,
I live on your success.

I am Lust,
I will be your mistress.

I am sloth,
I will put you to sleep.

I am gluttony,
I feast on your meat.

I am vain,
I am your perfect love.

You cannot live without my presence,
I am yours, I am your deadly sins.

I am a storyteller,
My stories will make you cry.
I am a witch of the darkness,
I will creep your life.

I am a man-eater,
I will tear your guts out.


I am all that you fear,
I am all that you want.

He fakes-She fakes-We all fake

My friend and I was talking about how everyone these days get tattoos now. Makes me think why did i get three of them, and the conclusion is that they reflect who i really am. Mostly they are in places i don't flaunt, so not everyone will know about them by just seeing me. I plan to get two more this semester, and every time i get one, i get a particular high. The pain makes me fall in love with it. It wants me to experience it again. It's better than slitting oneself with a sharp object,anyways.

When i think about home, i have seen people getting tattoos left right and center.I do not judge tattoos because i don't know what it means to the person who has got it. What seems stupid to me, might be very valuable for the person who got it. So i don't judge tattoos. However, these days it has become more of a "fad" then an identity symbol. If it is for the "fad" then do they realize it's for the lifetime? I mean you will get old with it, your skin will wrinkle and the tattoo won't look that wonderful. DO they realize this fact?

Piercings and tattoos have also become the thing of the posers. The more metal on your body, the more "cool" and different you are. How does it make sense? How come body art makes you cool/hot/lukewarm? Why is this fuss of being different? If you are different you will stand out, even if you look as plain as jade.

You are you, however much u try. I will always remain myself, how much i try to be Bipasha Basu. Because i am NOT Bipasha Basu until and unless i go under the knife. *scary*
So the key to superficial happiness? Embrace who you are. Don't be a poser. Mostly people get to know if you are fake.

"Yeah public hain, yeh saab janti hain"

Jump-start Death

I don't know which way to turn now. I don't know who is going to save me from this torture now. I am rapidly falling into a black hole, my emotions and sanity are being sucked into it.

I begged of you for my happiness. I told you that i am sorry. I asked you to shelter me. What is in you that has drawn away all that love? I once cradled you in my arms, when you needed me. Don't you think you owe that to me?

Listen to me

I am wrong,
That's what they say,
He listens.
They are right, that what he says.

Look into my eyes.
Do you see deceit?
I keep on repeating,
I am done with my sins.

I am not lying,
I am not a fake.
I love you with all my heart,
I keep on saying again and again.

Thirst

Surprises are sometimes pleasant and sometimes not so much. In my case it's mostly the latter. I have done so many things in life, that it scares me if i have chosen the right path. I have been trained as a singer, as an instrumentalist, as a painter,a good student and a leader. I just don't know how to accumulate all of my knowledge into one cumulative career. I surely don't want to be "the jack of all, master of none".

Knowledge is very important to me, books being my best friends. But i am like a sponge. I soak in everything around me. I try to learn everything that i have never been aware of before. The same happen to me with knowing how to play the drums. Although being a pretty decent keyboardist myself, it was always the harmonium which fascinated me. I tried my hands at tabla, but the blisters scared me. With the drums, i found my instrument. I love playing "with" it. I love how one by one, my four limbs started to co-ordinate. I have not pursued this passion of mine, because it brings back a lot of hurtful memories. I was almost tempted to buy my own kit, but i guess i did. I helped built a kit for him, and somehow i believed that it was as mine as it was his. Well,it's not the truth. With a broken heart, comes a bitter reality. I might never see that kit again, but i know my presence is with it, forever. Until he chooses to replace me from there too.

SO why i am not a musician, trying to make it big in the Indian music circuit? Because of science. I am in love with science. I am in love with how much one can gather facts with the help of technology and a creative mind. People who think scientists are not creative, know absolutely nothing. Being a scientist brings out the thinker in one. Trying to unfold the mysterious takes a lot of imagination and zeal. It's almost like a musician trying to compose a never-before-created piece of music. It's like a painter, trying to create a never before seen portrait. It's like a leader trying to introduce a new idea into a society.

I want to become a scientist for the first half of my life because of the knowledge. I want to learn and discover. What i want to be in the second half of my life, is still shaky, will work on it once i have my PhD. ;)

Patience is my religion,
Knowledge is my God.
I pray for blessings,
and my path to enlightenment.

bytes of "lou"

Oh, my promiscuous baby,
Why do you lie?
Why do you hide the fact
that you were not her's right from the start?

Twenty-Four hours of new found love,
What made you come back to the back-log?

All that hate you have,
disappeared with one kiss.
Long embrace, secret love,
All that was also your wish.

You maintained boundaries,
constructed rules.
Made me not do things to you.

Your head remembered all those new bound ties,
Just because we all know, hickies don't lie.



I am fascinated by how people who don't know me, act as if they know me.They make conclusions about things that happened in my life. I don't appreciate that. If i ever did anything wrong, i have repaid, apologized to the point i have had no self-dignity. And as far as my reasons are concerned, the fellow knows them pretty well. His ignorance and inability to delete software from the hard-drive of his head of course was a few of them.

True saying: Assumptions are the biggest mofos.

I in You

You parted our ways,
with one last kiss.
You chose her love for you.
And sanity is what you gained.

Think about it, pay attention.
You give her love and your affection,
But when you are with her,
Have you noticed?
It's me all in you,
Embedded in your entity.

Strip me apart, from your soul.
It is then, when she will mean more.

light me up

I see the lights,
bright and brilliant,
they lit my path,
till the horizon.

I don't like the lights,
they put the end in my view,
It makes me struggle,
My destination gets renewed.

I hate the lights,
they are bright and brilliant.
It makes me feel incompetent,
It makes my life seem surreal.

Wanna go out with me?

It's finally a snow day! yipee! haha! just one class got cancelled, a three hour long class. So i am not complaining.

A friend of mine here is "depressed" because a girl did not want to go out with him. Well, he is 23 years old and should be familiar with the dynamics of life, but i guess he is not. He thinks he is cool enough, handsome enough for any girl. Well, that is why i don't appreciate vain people. You might be perfect in your own eyes, but you are not in someone else's. SO suck it up and move on. If we all think ourselves to be perfect then the cycle of life will cease to move. Then everyone becomes a perfect potential mate, and every child a perfect potential offspring, the whole point of evolution fades to stand it's ground.

Well, coming out of the sciences, i would like to add that when it comes to choosing the "guy" i like i am NOT picky. AT ALL, and hence, the consequences of my life.Name it, and i have been in a relation with "it". I have dated a schoolboy, a hippie, a junkie, a very "established" green card holder, a druggie, a musician AND a musician. So see? i do not pick and judge the guy i like and want to date. I date someone who shows genuine interest in me. More than the person fitting into any criteria, i just see if the person likes me for who i am, even if i am 128 lbs or 220.

When it comes to breaking up, i have broken up with 4 of my boyfriends, and have been dumped by 2. OK. The latter wasn't a very good experience. It makes me think what i lack or what insecurities i have in life, and just because i have been dumped in the very first two relationships of my life i tend to believe the fact that there is something majorly wrong with me.

SO when i see my past boyfriends dating a new girl, i hyperventilate to see if they are really better than me. In most cases i BELIEVE they are. I have insignificant love for myself. I curse myself almost every moment. Therefore, i tend to stay away from my past boyfriends. Two of them are still good friends, one of them....well i don't want to comment on what he is to me(and if we are more than friends or not, or if we are friends at all). This has a reverse effect too. I am also very insecure with my guy i date. I believe, again, that the girl he dated before me is better than me. If he comes to know ALL of ME he will eventually decide what a mistake i am.

So my relationships become a complex web, where i am suffering from insecurities on both ends. Every past or future girlfriend of my present and past boyfriends pose a threat to my self-belief. But i don't complain about this. It makes me a very well-grounded person. It helps me realize the fact that i am no Miss Universe who can "get whoever she wants". I am a simple girl, with simple needs in the relationship forefront. I try to be a good ex-girlfriend and even better "present" girlfriend.

Oh the complexities of my mind. Rest now. Let me enjoy my snow day. ;)

All that Snow

It has been snowing for more than 12 hours now, and God is answering taira and my prayers. The snow is settling on the ground finally.

Walking back from the library at 2am in the morning, with snowfall and darkness as my companion, Plattsburgh seems magical. I have always been very fond of snow, but now i am used to snowfall. Nevertheless, when a perfect crystal structure settles on my jacket and i closely examine it, it still makes me marvel at what a miracle nature is. That tiny tiny piece of crystal of snow is such a marvelous structure. Perfect, almost as if someone has created it with his utmost attention.

I love it when there is legit snow on the ground. It looks so beautiful. I have witnessed snow way before i experienced winter in USA. Two hours in Mount Titlis in Switzerland. However, it does not compare to living with snow, and i guess the experience in Plattsburgh is gorgeous. It's not like snow in NYC, which is black, muddy and yucky. No. Here the snow is white, pure almost like a spell straight from Harry Potter ( Mind you, a spell casted by Dumbledore :p).

Snow has it's bad sides too. The ground gets extremely slippery. I have avoided falling on my ass five times today. But i blame the shoes. Plus, the hoodies get wet from all that snowfall. It is SNOW which is WATER.

But with snow boots and water-proof jacket, the setting is right from a scene in Mills and Boons. Romantic. Better than Rainfall.

I don't know, snow is just fabulous. It's fresh and clean, has a sense of tranquility in it.

I never complain when it snows. The weather gets a bit warmer, and is not frigid. Plus, the expectation of a snow day and exams getting cancelled makes it even more worthwhile. ;)

Oh Darwin!

The tides are rising again.
Life is again overflowing,
jinxes, curses don't work anymore,
struggle on,
No time to be on the shore.

The clocks ticking, seconds flowing by.
I am struggling against the time.
All in vain, energy lost,
Dawn will soon be gone.

Time is what i need the most,
I wish i could buy it,
But it has no cost.

My head is spinning,
My muscles are sore,
I am feeling dizzy,
Why can't i breathe alone?

Why do i have to run?
Why do i have to win?
Oh witch of time, stop smirking.

I need a break,
i need a stop,
Struggle for survival,
All of it is Darwin's fault.

When i grow UP!

Life is a lesson on it's own. And in the past (almost ) 20 years i have learnt a lot of things. I have sacrificed a lot, and gained a lot.

But in these past three years i have lost things that i held so close to my heart. I lost love, patience and my ambition. If i had followed my plans i would have been on my way of earning a MBBS degree. I don't know maybe i should have. But sitting at home for a year after i graduated from high school, and dismissing the golden opportunity of Presidency College AND KMC, made me realize that dreams are not consistent, mine changes with my mood. This is exactly what happened. I threw away the comfort of my home, the luxury of my mom's money and here i am. Trying to grow up, trying to live on my own. I have been quite successful till now, but my bouts of depression and the fact that i decided to kill myself kind of ruins the happy picture.

Yes, but this is not my dream, or is it? This summer i am going back home again, and i might not return. Sometimes i feel like moving to Europe, learning a different language. Sometimes, i feel i am a nomad. I am made to hover around. Sometimes i just feel like dropping everything and to hibernate. I want to be a politician and a housewife. I want to save lives and kill a few. I want to be the law maker and the felon. I want to be what the universe is made of.

I want to be the unknown, the undiscovered.

In this World

I never knew anyone else, except me and some people i have mentioned in my posts, actually reads my blog. Receiving a comment from nowhere, and from a complete stranger makes me think that may be i am NOT alone in this world.

Yes i am in pain. I have been in pain for so long that i don't know how to live without it. I thrive on my pain, like a little creeper on a host being. But i am not sitting in the darkness. I have lit a lot of matches, but it is always extinguished. I frantically search for another match stick and light it again, to live again. But i am running out of matchsticks now.

Hence, my need of dependence, a security. I need someone to light my matchstick when i am tired and cannot fight against my miseries alone.

I am not saying i have a terrible life, but it has potential to do better.

To that someone,
Thank you for reading my blog, and appreciating what i feel. I am glad my writings could bring forth my state.

To everyone else, who is reading this or not, i am thankful that we all live. We all survive on this planet, manifesting our presence on each other.

I know i am not alone. I know i am not the only one with battles, in and outside my head. I know i am not the only one searching for that little hope that will re-ignite our lives.

P.S: i have listened to two songs by Fiona Apple. She has a very strong voice. :)

I matter.

I am fucking tired of this shit. I am tired of holding it in. I am just simply tired. I am tired of waiting on you.

Yes, i am complaining because i have stretched to the point where i am about to break. One more incident and i will snap. Why are you never there when i need you the most?

I am stressed, alone and completely out of mind, and i need you now. But you aren't there. Why does it happen to me?

Why won't i flee? Why won't i escape relationships if this is what i get out of it?
I am losing all faith in love. Fuck! it does not exist! i get hurt every freaking waking moment of my life.

I am tired. I need you. Can't you see it? Can't you feel it?

Help Me!! i don't want to walk away again. i don't want to be the monster i am.

No pain, still gain

I got my third tattoo yesterday. It's a center piece so that i can extend it later on. Anyways my intention of getting a tattoo was to direct my pain through something worthwhile and not just by sitting with a blade and slitting myself open. SO was it worth? Yeah, the first five minutes, and then the pain goes away. Fuck!

I mean there are needles poking my back, and i didn't feel fucking anything. What a waste. But at least the tattoo came out oozing with awesomeness.

The only thing is that now i have to lose my excess fat and get my goddess tattoo. Not for pain though because exterior pain does nothing to me. SO i am just sticking to the reason of body art. It's amazing how a piece of art on paper transforms onto skin.

Just for the kicks, here is the picture! :)

Yes, It has always been me.
In your dreams and nightmare.
I am the one, who let go.
And i will be the one to hold onto.

I know you are moving on,
Living a different life.
But you are not complete,
If you are not mine.

Be happy, stay safe,
DO not lose in your own game.
Look straight, do not lose your way,
Just move on, i will be there.

Whatever path you take,
I will be your guardian.
Whatever you dream,
I will make it work, my angel.

I now you are running away
avoiding all that makes you weak.
Don't worry my dear,
It's not long till you find back your way.

Jumping Genes

Whoever reading, if doesn't get the title, then don't fret! Most scientists don't know what jumping genes really do.

But i want to make sense out of it morphologically. She is a jumping gene. Moving from one loci to the other, making a complete mess out of the sequence. The sequence of life.

WTF! is wrong with you. Settle girl! Think! No one in this world is important enough to curse. Bitches come and go. Life moves on. Life halts but it has a good mechanism! it will move on. SO just calm down.

I was a jumping gene myself. I messed up the sequence of my life. But now i am rephrasing my DNA of life. I am moving backward, deleting the unwanted mutations. Takes a while, but i am doing it.

You do the same too. Re-phrase, cut down the errors, if you have to take help of transposons,DO IT. But please get rid of the accumulated changes. Then the transcription will be perfect. The translation of YOUR functional protein will be flawless.

See? How much i am learning from my BIO 387 class?

Just like The movies

It's just like the movies, i eat from the trees
If i do not open the curtains then i cannot see
All the people run by...

My heart eats beats...
My heart eats love...

You are mistaken cause i do not bite
Over the williamsburg bridge on a bike
And if he loves me then why does he leave...

Don't say goodbye like you're burying him
Cause the world is round and he might return...

But if he loves me then why does he leave...

- Regina Spektor.
A true artist. She appears in my mind if i think of music as poetry, as soulful art.

An extremely Random thought

Shortest rhyme in the world:

Baba Black sheep, have u any wool?
No, Fuck Off!!











Yes, i am bored.


Fine, i will not post shit like this again.


But you know it's funny.


Credit goes to friends in the past! :)

Power

Out of all in-existence arises the power of survival. From Darwin to to the blooming scientists of evolution, all have come to the conclusion that life evolves through struggle for existence.

Yes, i evolve, you evolve, everyone around us evolves because we struggle to survive. Cut open the throats of your competitors, trample over the weak beings, dismiss the insignificant, and we become strong survivors. Yes, i am fiercely competitive. I do not like to lose, i do not LET myself lose.

Either in love or practical life, i know at the end i will stand out as the winner.Does this make me seem like a bad person? May be yes, may be not. But i have a lot in stake. From the background i come from, i cannot stop till i reach the zenith, till i become the epitome of success, till i become the example of power. This attitude of mine, has made me sacrifice a lot of good things in life. I escape from pain because it deters me from my ambition. I flee from the sight of weakness because it disorients me.

My mother is my true inspiration. She has gone through a hell lot, given up love, to be where she is now. She is successful and has the power to control, and she has reached that point where she can slack off a bit now, search for inner-peace, calmness and yes the long deleted sense of love. For her immense sense of self-pride there are people who talk behind her, but that doesn't make her smaller. She is still bright, still fierce, still shining.

And i want to be exactly like her. There are people talking "bad" things about me. That is what i have been told. But really, "bad" things? without knowing my side of the story? Fine talk. Does that make you better than me? Are you in a better position than me? Have you achieved anything beyond what i have done with my life? I guess the answer is no. SO if those people are talking about me they don't know me. They can't be me.

Don't worry, you. I know you care about what people think of me, and yes i have never explained my position. But believe me, it doesn't bother me. I have done grave mistakes, and i am repenting them. But it does not make me a weaker person. Yes i have lied, i have protected people who have used me in some sense, but that proves that i stick what decisions i take. Yes, i am not truly happy until i a reach my destination. Nevertheless, i believe i will. I will be what i have chosen to be in life.

And when i am what i want, i will succumb to love. I will not flee again. I will not look down upon my love. I will not judge it, i will not question it. I will not manipulate my love and i will not force it to stay with me. Actually, if i think about it, i am doing all of this. I have loosened my grip on my love. No, i have not let go, but i am letting it breathe, till it wants to walk into my heart, body and soul again.

Till then, it's time to achieve. To succeed.

It's time to rejoice Power.

Sweat it out!

I love working out. Whatever frustration i accumulate i just throw it out there. I do not stop until i sweat like a pig. I know it sounds gross, but believe me the sense of relief i feel, after every inch of my muscle feels worn out is just amazing. This time, i actually look forward to working out. I was never a work-out junkie, but i guess i am turning into one.

I am extremely frustrated right now!! I have so much of shit that i cannot handle it. Ganguly is helping me out with the creative stuff a lot. SO i owe him a thank you. And i am getting extremely annoyed at Charles. I mean i know he is the President and all, but he is just pissing me off every time we have an officer's meeting.

Anyways, let him run the club the way he wants. I will run it the way i want when i am President. :D

Bullet for my Valentine

OK. For the past two years i had a valentine. He was mostly not bothered but bought me soft toys just for the sake of it. We both were pretty cynical about it, but we did try to have fun. Last year we got high by eating excess food.

Anyways, my first valentine's day with ganguly this time, and we are not even in the same country. So no celebration there, and again he is one guy not very keen about the day. He is romantic and all so i guess all days are valentines day for him. NOT.

But it's weird how time changes things. I mean the past two years i shared the day with someone else, and this year we both sharing it with somebody else. It's weird how love doesn't last. It's weird how promises break in a second.

The only sad part about tomorrow is that NO gift from mommy dear. She has been my valentine for so long now, and i could always bank on her on this day.I miss you maa, not because of the lavish gifts, but because you thought of making me feel good even if no boy is up to it.

So here goes my wishes to my oldest valentine.

Happy Valentine's day,Maa. I love you.

Blur

Life is in that junction that i don't want to move on anymore. I am just trying to hold on to whatever i have got. It's little, the ambitions are little. The hopes are almost dying. Every now and then, all energy saps out.

Then how come am i still moving forward? trying to start all over again? For that little hope of love and peace. That one day i will find peace. That one day i will sleep without any backlogs in my memories.

Till then i am trying to breathe. Putting up a face that shows people that i am happy. My face says that i am content. Whatever that has happened has happened for the good.

It's weird i miss home. No. I don't miss home, but i miss my room. My desktop, my bed and my window sill. The dusk and dawn light, the numerous cigarette butts scattered. I miss the silence. I miss the blanket that warms me up when i am chilly.

I don't know why all my reasons of being happy is slowly slipping away, and i am becoming extremely cynical about everything. I just want to flee. It will be really great if i can just delete the past three years of my life and start all over again. If it's possible then i wouldn't have to lose weight again.

It's my fourth attempt. Every fucking time i reach the perfect weight, i drop all energy of conserving it. Hog on food and blow up again. I am tired of this cycle. I am tired of harming my body. If i can just have an inspiration. A driving force.

But i guess i am not that lucky. I am not blessed with a fairy-tale life. I guess i am not blessed with even a normal life. I guess i don't deserve to stay sane.

Haven of Love

You look at me
I look at you.
We chat over
a cup of tea.

We meet again,
we see again,
We hold hands.

You bent over
Kiss me gently.
I fall in love.

I hug you tight,
proclaim my love.
I can't let go
I can't have you enough.

You hug me tight,
proclaim your love.
You make me the center
of your tiny world.

We hold hands,
We walk proudly.
You are someone now,
I think of you highly.

I dream your dreams,
We venture together,
I give you my life,
and we fly together.
We conquer fears,
slay our enemies.

But have you forgotten me?
Do i seem like a burden now?
Have i forced you into loving me?
Have i used you, or let you down?

No. I haven't.

I decided to walk away,
to save my soul.
You have snatched away
All my goals.
You humiliated me,
called me names.
But couldn't you see?
I left so that i could flee.

All that time
I blamed myself
For letting you down.
I blamed myself
For being so wrong.

But i stopped and thought.

The only thing
that was wrong with me
I was trying to be someone
that you wanted to see.

The hatred that i felt,
came from you.
No it wasn't me
who has hurt you.

You and I

Loving someone can be so difficult. It has always been so difficult for me. I pour in all my energy and patience in loving someone, and that's the reason i get hurt. I expect too much. I think if i love him X amount he will love me X amount back. It's stupid of me to think that way. It is stupid of me to expect someone loving me the way i love him.

Because i can love. I can go against all forces and love. I can give up almost everything and love. i can just love.

It's only when i walk away he says why didn't u tell me anything. Well love is understanding. I loved you, without you asking me to. Therefore, i expect the same in my case. I can't ask you to love me or understand me. You just do it, or you don't.

When-i-don't-know-what-to-write

I have so much shit piled up right now that it is not even funny. Goddamnit. Upper level credits can take a lot out of you. I wouldn't recommend it.

Geez. I am back from the gym and would head back to the library again. Why can't i just drop everything and become an illiterate-obese-housewife? Well no one wants a wife like that! :( Bad Bad world.

I don't know why i am posting this crap. No creative enlightenment for me today i guess. Anyways i lost another 1.5 pounds. :D

Off to shower.

All about ME

I have to go through another two weeks before i get inked again.But i think it's worth the wait.

I cried yesterday. Because i was lonely. Because i felt i had no one, and i guess i don't. My guy has more shit of his own, and i guess he can't handle me anyways. I understood that yesterday. No one can understand why am i so unstable. No one will understand that why i am so wild and carefree at times. I do not wish to explain either.

From my phase of my 5 minute tongue piercing when i was thirteen, my purple/pink/red/copper hair phase to my first devil tattoo, i have come a long way. I have chugged beer just to prove that guys are not the only creature who can chug-a-lot-of-mugs. I have para-glided 5 times, got bored and bungee jumped 7 times.I have eaten bugs, abused drugs, cut myself and lost 110 pounds in the same bloody year.I have thrown money in the lake because well "it's just paper". I once begged a rikshaw-wala to give me a free ride to my home (i won the bet). I once gifted my past boyfriend cash on valentine's day (actually he asked for it). I was almost getting robbed in Jamaica station, New York, and i got an adrenaline kick out of it. I have paid someone 5 dollars, and have forgotten why i did that. I puked in my room on the first week of school. Thank god, my roommate was away, i had to clean my bed and had to mop the entire fucking floor at 3 am in the morning. I walked to downtown 4 times, for my second tattoo, waiting for Vincent to open up.

When i look back, i notice my pattern. My craziness is subsiding. It is almost lost. I still do have crazy kicks, and got my nose and ears(again) pierced because i was bored. Other than that i have sobered down a lot. I am focused about losing weight now, and getting my "goddess of power and lust" tattoo. That bitch is gonna hurt real bad though.

My span of focus is very short. I get bored easily, i start loving something as easily. I barely care about myself, and when i do then i LOVE me. I haven't figured who i am yet. I seem so strong and stubborn, but in the reality i don't know that if i even have a mind of my own.

U-S-U-A-L

Well i am scheduled for my third tattoo on the 19th. I am excited. It's gonna be pretty awesome i hope. Vincent promised he would make it look very good. Well, i will be meeting him on Monday again, so that i can give him more ideas about the sketch. He is a sweetheart, i tell you. :)

That's about the only thing that is pumping me up. I am not studying the way i usually do.My roommate is fucking driving me crazy. I don't understand why the fuck is she so needy.

My boyfriend, apparently, has gone way busier than he used to be. Good for him, but it sucks that he is not around when i need him the most.Anyways, i have to learn to finally live on my own, have to start taking care of myself.

I am off now. Have work. Will try to do some homework.

:x

I am so beat right now. Stressed to the point that i can beat up my roommate. Fuck man! i come back from the gym, sweating like a pig,and there she is fucking her guy in the room. Where the fuck will i shower and change??? When the fuck will i rest and have my peace of mind. I want to move out. Or i will kill her. I have not said much to her because i know, if i open my mouth then there will be just too much of censoring.

I swear I have not been this stressed for a long time. I am battling with my sanity, and the last thing i want on my mind is my roommate being a fucking whore.

Goddamnit.

Name-it-as-u-wish

I wrote this because someone asked me to. Even if they use it as their lyrics. May be not anymore. Actually i don't know. Whatever! I still have a right to post it in my blog. I had written it in like 10 minutes, and for the first time i wrote on a theme and not what was in my head. Before this i never actually realized that i was blessed with, at least a bit of, creative talent. ;)

Ahead of me lies a darkened alley
Pulling, scaring and repulsing me
I take a step towards the black hole
A caravan of fears threatening me

The seducing night is weakening me
Limping my thoughts and memories
The claws of death is choking me
The alley is taking over my sanity

It’s feeding on my warmth
Drinking away my blood
It’s pulling me into its clutches
Trying to steal my life

The eternal doom feels so close
My fears and phobias are so lost
The darkened path is now my friend
The suicidal alley is now my strength

You do. But i don't.

Sometimes life takes you to places you don't want to be. Sometimes it treats you the way you don't deserve to be treated. It makes you do things you don't want to do.

But you have to do it. Because you want to survive. You have to embrace life in whatever form it comes to you. I have majorly given up on any kind of hope. I am just going with the flow, trying to take shape of the container i am put into.

I have done bad things to people, i know, but that doesn't make me a perpetually bad person. I have always tried very hard to provide everything for the people i love. Be it my boyfriends or my friends. But sometimes i have tried to live for myself. Sometimes i have tried to be a bit selfish on my part. I have tried to take care of myself. I have gotten scared of losing things, and therefore i have given up eventually to save myself from potential hurt. I am a very insecure person, almost dependent like a parasite on the people i love.

If i see myself not getting the security i am in need of, i scurry away. I know it's not a good trait. I know that i can't always depend on people to take care of me, but no one can deny the fact that everyone needs a cushion to fall onto.

I have seen my mother struggling through life and love, and she still struggles. She is a completely independent woman, living life on her own terms, making decent money to afford almost the best luxuries in the world (touch wood). But i also notice that how she dreams of a companion who would love her unconditionally, without she making any compromises. I know how she wishes for a shoulder to cry onto, and she wishes if she had someone to fall back onto. It's not that she is not surviving without someone in her life, it's just that the picture would had been better if she had a confidant.

I am like my mom in these issues. We both are very cynical when it comes to men. We both are aware how they hurt you. How they promise to take care of you, and disappear when you need them the most. How they break your heart over and over again, and you still love them. We both, therefore,are commitment phobics. When we see ourselves standing at a point where the man matters the most, we push the escape button. We both don't like to lose control. We both don't like to become a prey.

We are like predators. We hunt, pet and then slaughter. That's why both of our's relationships have ended in bitter notes. Because we escape so badly that it destroys the guys and our worlds. But we still do it.

May be we will learn. Or may be we are just weird commitment-phobics who do not like the idea of being bounded.

But i am trying to drift a bit away from what we both are. I am trying to give myself up completely this time. There are times my head tells me that it is not worth it, so i am trying to ignore that little voice. This time, i am trying to find peace with what i have and not analyze anymore. My commitment-phobic nature has made me lose a lot of things that meant the world to me, but now i am trying not to commit the mistake again.

Well i guess, when such thoughts will occur to me, i will just hit the gym and burn some of those calories that are fattening my head.

Fuck Yeah!!!

When you actually see a change in the body you fucking start loving yourself. OK! Good changes, let me make THAT clear.

I have shed 9 pounds in one week. How i feel about this?? Amazing. My body will finally go back the way it was, and i am not stopping until it does. I am loving it. I can fit back into my old clothes, and that would be fucking awesome. Last time i shed a 110 pounds, i did it for a stupid guy in my past. This time i am doing it for myself, and i am happy about it.

I will get healthier, faster and of course i cannot rule out the desirable part.

I know it's just the starting. I have to lose 50 more pounds that i had gained back in the past year and a half. But i am on my way, to my own body domination. :)

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! me so glad! :D :)

All grown Up

This was never written with someone in my mind. It's just a regular outcome of an extreme abuse of caffeine. :)

I was always there right beside you,
waiting for you to look at me.
I used to run around breaking things,
so that you would notice me.
I thought I was small and you couldn’t see me
And I used to call out loud, yet you couldn’t hear me.

Growing up with two more,
I felt like I was all alone.
My voice, my touch, my existence
Was always first to be neglected.

On my bed I used to weep myself to sleep
Only to find out next day, being neglected was my destiny.
Hence, over the years I learned how to smile
Even though all I wanted was to hold you and cry.
And now that I am grown up, steady and strong
You can see me and want to hold me for long.

But now I don’t want to stay.
Where did your love go when I felt like stray?
Being with you makes me remember the child
who only knew how to cry.

My world is now different.
And in there you live in negligence.

The Beginning of a new End

Letting go of things becomes very difficult for me. But i am trying. Because if i don't let go then it's hurting me, ganguly and maybe some other person whom i have never met. My hurt seems ridiculous now because he doesn't bother. He thought too much about what happened to him, rather than seeing what i went through.

Anyways, that part of my life is over. I think. I am finally giving up on anything that i had left for him. If we can be friends? No. We cannot be friends. We cannot be anything that we used to be or we thought we could be. Before i could, he gave up.

Anyways, I have decided to lead a different life. I won't cause pain to that one person who loves me unconditionally. I will not lie and i will definitely not pretend to be something that i am not. I don't know what happens in the future, but this time, without compromising any feeling in me, i am devoting myself to love. I will try to love more. I will try to learn how to love without any qualms.

This is not a new start, but definitely a new story for me.

Love-Pain-Heartache

Standing In front of the Mirror
All I could see was a bleeding me
Sore, hurt and broken.
I couldn’t help, all I could do was see.
I tried to run away
But my feet wouldn’t move
I was getting scared.
Was that really me?
Was this how it was meant to be?

I was bleeding everywhere
And you did nothing but stare.
I looked at you, my eyes screaming for help.
But you walked away leaving me by myself.

You once said u loved me.
Promised me you will take care.
And now that I am hurt
You want to break away?

My tears have dried down now
My heart isn’t bleeding anymore
And the essence of love is fading away
All that is left is heartache and pain.

Victory

When I cry you can’t see.
You go blind when you look at me.
As if I am invisible,
Something unspeakable.

Oh Yes, your misery will make me smile,
‘Cause you fucker are born to cry.
You don’t know how to respect,
All you have learnt is to neglect.

The look of disgust you pass at me
Makes me laugh at you silently.
I know you are going to die a ruthless death,
Breaking everyday in self-conflict and violence.

When you gonna cry no one will see.
Everyone will go blind when they look at thee.
As if you are invisible,
Something unspeakable.

My head or just PMS

I am extremely stressed. My roommate is being a slut again. I guess her "good-semester" is slipping away from her grip because she is in dire need of dick.But i do not want to return to my room just to go away because she is busy fucking her man-whore.

I cannot sleep well. Any faint sound wakes me up, and i usually get up with a headache. I am not in a very stable emotional state either. I cry every freaking second, and i am returning to the phase where i want to hurt myself again.

Self inflicting pain is not a good idea, and therefore i resolve to body art. But i don't have the freaking cash for it. I am stressed. Fucking stressed.I want to curl up and just vanish. I want to just get over with this phase. I don't want to do this to myself anymore.

I am extremely tired, and almost in the verge of giving up.

Either i am going mad, or it's just an extreme case of PMS.

Because of You

It's when i am miserably lonely that i get to know how much Mr.Ganguly means to me. I don't know why he loves me. I don't know why he chooses to be committed and faithful to me.

I have lied to him, done bad things to him, cheated him on various occasions. But he still forgives me, and loves me unconditionally. Why? I don't know what he sees in me that i cannot see in myself. If i were in his position i wouldn't had never forgiven myself. I have used him, and i have demanded all of his energy sometimes, but he still takes me back, caresses me with all his love.

How can i not love him back? If i see someone loving me so much how cannot i not fall for him? How can i push him away if he is holding onto me so tight?

I accept the fact that he is the one who is tolerating all my juvenile tantrums now. He is taking care of me over the internet. I don't know how he does that, but he is loving me pretty solidly even if i am thousand of miles away from him. Our first year anniversary of love-hood is pretty close. In two months rather, and i have no clue how the time passed. This past year has been so difficult for me, and it is still difficult, but i see he is still trying to shape my life. He is trying to push me towards the right direction. I know, that it is only for him that i still have some sanity left in me.

He has become my best-friend. He understands me even though i claim he doesn't. He is trying to make me what i was a few years back. Strong and steady. He has become my backbone, my sole reason of happiness. Thank you.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I mean it. I love you, however much i deny it. He is at this very moment complaining how he hates my blog. He is angry, but my one baby sentence will bring back the love in his eyes.

Those eyes, they killed me. They continue to do it even today. Your puppy face and your soft nature is what murdered me. They have brought about my downfall. In a good way. And now that i am getting ready to go to bed, if i ask him to he will sing me a lullaby. Oh, i don't know why u love me so much, but it makes me feel really good.

Makes me feel that I am somebody. I am somebody lovable. I am somebody special.

Do not stop this ever. Because without this i think i will break away. You are the glue that holds me together.

Thank you.

Aftermath

The hours have passed,
The time has flown.
The love has died,
The pain has gone.
Now what is left
is anger and hatred.
I feel like killing you
for the mistakes you have made.

You were a bastard.
An insensitive bloke.
You treated me like filth
and called me a whore.
Yet, I loved you.
Caressed you in my arms,
Thought you were disturbed.
And hoped that you’ll love me
Once life is in form.
But everything was right.
Except that your love was a show.
You just wanted my body
And did not notice my soul.

Now that you have left
I am free.
I like what I am
I like what I see.

Your love was a burden
Some shit that did I not need
Cause now I am happy
And can be the real me.
You had changed me into a doll,
Something plastic and immaterial.
And now that you are gone
Life seems much more real.

So go ahead, don’t look back,
Don’t waste your time.
Cause without you my love
I will do just fine.

Again, one of my old old writings which resulted out of my sudden creative impulses. But, i quite like this one. :D

Alone

This was written a long time ago, a couple of years may be. It was new love, there was new pain. I was learning to express with words and this was the result. It's nothing much, like most of the stuff i write, but i think my old written gibberish has a place in my blog.

Standing there all alone,
I suddenly realized you were gone
I looked around all ways, to catch your one glimpse,
Your mischievous smile or your that classic wink.
But you were long gone and on your way
to a new world and I wasn’t there.

I am now angry at myself as I don’t understand
Was it my mistake that made you go?
Was my love not enough? Did it not show?
Did I hurt you? Did I push you away?
‘Cause now I feel like shit as you are far away.

There are tears in my eyes and my heart bleeds.
I still don’t understand what was in your eyes that I could not read?
My love could not make u stay and I hate myself for that.
Tell me, I would do anything, just to bring you back.

And this was the answer i received that night.He was never an amazing writer. But i guess my aforementioned poem is incomplete without this one. They are like the lock and key. an answer to a question. I am glad i had it saved up. So here his answer goes:

I don’t know why I walked away
I don’t know why I felt that way
My anger, attitude, ego and arrogance
Still sometimes pushes me away

I don’t know why you felt that way
Never wanted to make u feel the same
Ignored, confused and abandoned
In this world full of people.
Never wanted to make you feel alone
But I curse my heart and my instinct
And ask them one simple question
Why didn’t they stop me from moving away
Don’t I have a heart ,don’t I feel anything ??

Something is wrong with me
Why am I so disturbed?
Why do I have to make u cry
Why do I have to make u feel
That u are not loved

Well I will tell u what I feel
I fell like a lunatic and a heartless creature
But I do have feelings which I don’t show to all
As I pretend to be small

I have my heart and my arms
Always beside you
So whenever u fall
My hands will pick up
And hold u straight
And make u walk on the right way

Whenever u feel low
And u feel to cry
My hands will b there to wipe your tears
And whenever u face difficulties
My heart will b your shield
And my hands will fight
With all d blood and strength it has
To make all your problems go away

Don’t even care if my arms bleed
It will be just a sudden rush for me
But what all makes me smile
To see that u don’t even have a scratch on your feet

I can’t be your shadow
Like u think it’s always with u
Well I can be closer
Coz shadows disappear
When there is no light near
Even then my hands and heart
Will show u the way
And even if I die
My heart will make u feel safe
And my arms are always there whenever u require comfort
And u want to be hugged

I may not show what I feel
I may not care
Bt this is what i feel
And want u to feel
That I m always near

This is not a poem
This is not a song
This is not anything else
But my feelings.
And tonight
All I want to do is to hold u tight
And won’t let u goo
Coz I love u so ………….

I am not trying to prove any point here. It's just nice to have two pieces in the puzzle. For once, i knew the answer, and it was quite a nice gesture too.

Phase

I am in so much of pain, it's not even funny. My hands are sore, so are my legs. My head feels like it's gonna burst open any time. I don't want to see a doctor because i don't like the way they make me feel weak. But i don't know what i am gonna do with myself. I feel weak, and i am scared of eating anything. Because whenever i do, i feel like throwing up.

I don't know what is becoming of me, and it has started to scare me now. I need to find a direction. I need to find my passion and drive. I am so competitive, but it's nowhere in me now. I feel sick. Literally.i am tired of pretending. I am just plain tired.

I hope i don't just give up. I can't afford to. Surviving here is a do or die situation for me. I have to do well. I have to be the best in whatever i choose to do. But i don't have that power in me. Not anymore. I need it back.I need myself back.

With all the things i have lost, i do not want to lose my future. That is my only savior now. My only reason to stay strong. But my feet are finally shaking. I am crumbling under the pressure. I need my sanity. I need to be fine.

Chasing Life

You will know what i mean
If you look into my eyes

Bloodshot? Yes they are,
from the pain that you have caused.

Waiting. Contemplating.
My life is slipping away.
I cannot hold my grip.
You are running away.

I try to catch up
You are running too fast.
Wait! Life.
I am out of breath
I have to stop.

Why are you doing this to me?
Why do you want to leave me back?
Am i no good, am i not apt?

I will run again i promise.
I will build up my strength.
I will gather up my courage
I will push my boundaries.
Until the very end.

Forgive me if i outrun you.
Forgive me if you fail.
Before you realize it,
i will beat you at your own game.

Outside the Classroom

When i sat in my Moral Problems class, and discussed about the 9/11 incidents, i got to know how naive and ignorant the teenagers/students of america are. Half of them don't even know what happened on 9/11, nor do they have any idea about the WTC 7 collapsing on the same very day.

I know the Government of USA had hidden the collapse of WTC 7 for almost five years. There were no news footage of the building collapsing and no video or news was aired about the WTC 7. But it did come out in 2007 and it surprises me how half of the Americans don't know what the hell i am talking about right now.

The Government here does a good job in hiding facts about "terrorist" attacks, but isn't it the citizen's job to question these? Isn't it their jobs to educate themselves about the fact that 9/11 incident could be orchestrated?? I am Indian, coming from India and i have more knowledge about the incidents than the people of this country.

There is no sense of responsibility whatsoever to know about these incidents. To investigate the claims. This is more evident in the younger generation. My American peers do not really care about what their country is facing because of what it did in Afghanistan and Iraq. They have absolutely no clue about the conspiracy theories ( which i think are not conspiracies). If this generation does not speak out and be well informed then the future is at doom. Their future is at doom.

Don't they understand that? Don't their parents talk about the lurking problems they are about to face? Don't they discuss about what has happened in the past? Shouldn't they be furious that how they don't know about WTC 7 event happened on the same very day of WTC 1 and 2? Don't they want to question about these "hidden" incidents and what the world is arguing about on this issue?

Actually all of it is not their fault. The entire system here is set up in such a way that the common people don't get to know about a lot of things. But some do because they are concerned. I am just scared about how ignorant my peers choose to stay here. Out of the class, the term paper is done, who cares about 9/11?

Thinking about the future of this behavior is frightening. It is frightening how everything is so easily overlooked here. It's frightening how facebook is more important than their own country.

Home sweet home

Living in America has been my dream ever since i was a little child. But when i was a little child, i did not think that i might actually fall in love with my city. I did not know that i have to maintain a long distance relationship. I did not know that pain could be so cruel. I did not know that America is so cold.

I do not regret my decision of coming here for my education. Not a single bit. But settling down here, having a family and raising my kids in this country is out of the big picture. I would like to, one day, go back to my hometown. Go back to where i started from. Not that it's hard surviving here, but because i want to help to build a better India so that no kid has to leave their families behind thousands of miles to live in the land of dreams. I want to help build an India which would be our own land of dreams. I would not want my kids to leave me and run to other countries because our own country cannot provide enough. If all the smart heads dedicate their lives to a foreign country then who would take care of what is our own?

I see the culture here. I see how i can never belong here 100%. I see how i am a foreigner and how they are insecure that i am a potential immigrant. That i am a potential "job-snatcher". If i were in their place i would completely understand. If a foreigner back at home snatches my job then i would eye them in a different way. I would. No denying that. But the point is that i am not American. Never will be. Even if i hold an American passport 20 years down the line, i will still be an immigrant. I would die in a land where i wasn't born. I would work for a land which is not mine. I will give my best to a land which will never accept me in all terms. America could be mine, but i would never be of America.

What i believe is utilizing resources. We can learn the ways of the super power and then implement in our haven, and make it a super-power one day. If all the educated people flee from India, then why wouldn't we have a Mamata Bannerji and Laloo Prasad Yadav governing the country. Why can't there be more of Shashi Tharoors and Rahul Gandhis? Why can't we have more of Harvards and Yales in India. I know the country cannot change overnight. The system is faulty from within. But if i try then someone else will be inspired, and then it will result in a chain reaction. But we HAVE to try, and i am ready to take the risk.

I am ready to make a change, however small it is. I am ready to go back to my country and serve it after i am done earning my degree. Maybe i was not smart enough for IIT, but at least i won't throw away my IIT-ian education and run to USA for a job. I rather spend dollars and earn rupees. Yes, it is a loss, but it is worth it.

There was a time when our forefathers traveled to distant lands to earn a degree and come back to our country. It is for them that the doors to the outside world opened, but they forgot to let us know when to close the door and return back to our roots. It is for them that India was educated in it's own way. The process is stagnant now because now people leave, but forget to return. How will the wheel move forward if the drivers are leaving their own chariots?

I need to prove to people, in and outside India, that our country has the potential. It has the potential of being the best. I am ready to pull a stunt after ten years, and land in my own house. The question is how many more are ready to take the plunge? How many actually believe, "Saare jahan se acchan, Hindustaan hamara" ?

I believe in it. Do you?