You do. But i don't.

Sometimes life takes you to places you don't want to be. Sometimes it treats you the way you don't deserve to be treated. It makes you do things you don't want to do.

But you have to do it. Because you want to survive. You have to embrace life in whatever form it comes to you. I have majorly given up on any kind of hope. I am just going with the flow, trying to take shape of the container i am put into.

I have done bad things to people, i know, but that doesn't make me a perpetually bad person. I have always tried very hard to provide everything for the people i love. Be it my boyfriends or my friends. But sometimes i have tried to live for myself. Sometimes i have tried to be a bit selfish on my part. I have tried to take care of myself. I have gotten scared of losing things, and therefore i have given up eventually to save myself from potential hurt. I am a very insecure person, almost dependent like a parasite on the people i love.

If i see myself not getting the security i am in need of, i scurry away. I know it's not a good trait. I know that i can't always depend on people to take care of me, but no one can deny the fact that everyone needs a cushion to fall onto.

I have seen my mother struggling through life and love, and she still struggles. She is a completely independent woman, living life on her own terms, making decent money to afford almost the best luxuries in the world (touch wood). But i also notice that how she dreams of a companion who would love her unconditionally, without she making any compromises. I know how she wishes for a shoulder to cry onto, and she wishes if she had someone to fall back onto. It's not that she is not surviving without someone in her life, it's just that the picture would had been better if she had a confidant.

I am like my mom in these issues. We both are very cynical when it comes to men. We both are aware how they hurt you. How they promise to take care of you, and disappear when you need them the most. How they break your heart over and over again, and you still love them. We both, therefore,are commitment phobics. When we see ourselves standing at a point where the man matters the most, we push the escape button. We both don't like to lose control. We both don't like to become a prey.

We are like predators. We hunt, pet and then slaughter. That's why both of our's relationships have ended in bitter notes. Because we escape so badly that it destroys the guys and our worlds. But we still do it.

May be we will learn. Or may be we are just weird commitment-phobics who do not like the idea of being bounded.

But i am trying to drift a bit away from what we both are. I am trying to give myself up completely this time. There are times my head tells me that it is not worth it, so i am trying to ignore that little voice. This time, i am trying to find peace with what i have and not analyze anymore. My commitment-phobic nature has made me lose a lot of things that meant the world to me, but now i am trying not to commit the mistake again.

Well i guess, when such thoughts will occur to me, i will just hit the gym and burn some of those calories that are fattening my head.