"I do not know what to name this" Post

I know i have been ignoring my blog for a long time, and i am sorry for that. But i have not been feeling like writing for a long time. I have a lot to write about, but i cannot come to a point to put them down as words.

Feelings are jumbled. I am moving on at last. That is what i would like to think.AND thinking that makes me feel a bit better. He has moved on, CLEARLY, and may be he is moving on AGAIN. I am his past, so it does not make sense if i make him my present.

Focusing more on myself: I am kind of slagging. Extremely lazy. Even if i do feel like going to class, i just look at the clock, make my mind, turn around and go to sleep again. I have noticed, that i sleep a lot when i am depressed. I will sleep through a freaking fire alarm. I am mostly always tired, and irritated easily. I am no where near a 4.0 GPA, and i don't feel like pushing myself towards it. WHY? NO IDEA. Even if life is fine, there is something missing. I think i am missing my source of strength.Ultimate freedom does these stupid things to you. I miss my Maa, cursing at my laziness, and to shut her up, i made my ass get up and do something worthwhile. I miss her thrashing. You need someone to drive you to your Global Maximum.

I will be 20 in five days. I have achieved mostly what i wanted to by this age. But am lagging behind in two goals.
1. The all alone backpack Europe trip hasn't happened yet.
2. Losing weight. Which I DID accomplish, but i have gained half of it back. So it doesn't count. :( Blame my laziness, i swear i feel like an idiot sometimes.

But other goals have been achieved, and i am happy about it. I found love, too many i guess. I am in the U.S of A. Feels good, but it isn't that merry as it seems. Other goals have been over-achieved. Like instead of having one tattoo, i have four. :p

There are some goals, that even after being achieved seems not worth it.

But anyways that's life, and as my instructor says, "You just have to suck it up, sometimes"

Getting Older

I have a squirmy feeling in my stomach since morning. I do not know what is is for. I do not know if it is a signal or not. My gut feeling has always, almost been very accurate, but i do not what is it this time.

I trust myself more than i used to a few weeks back. Life changes overnight, and i have learned to cope up with it. I do not get hysterical anymore, and i do not throw a fit and accuse everyone around me. I have learnt to be happy in my skin. I am pretending. I am holding on to my sanity.

You know why?

Because when i am hurt, it's just me being hurt. No one will understand it. No one will ever even relate to what i am going through. You can sympathize alright, but that means shit. It's my pain. No one will be ever to reduce it, no one can take it away. Moreover, mostly people don't bother. No one wants a whiny bitch in their life. So i have stopped being whiny.

I feel kind of empty. Like a big chunk of me is missing. Sometimes makes me think, that i have been feeling this for so long that i do not recognize the moment when i am NOT feeling it. But there are moments when i get happy, and when the feeling of a gap creeps in me, it hurts like a bitch.

I need a break from all these thought. I need a break from myself. I need a break from you. Most people in my life have been huge mother-fuckers. It's okay. I need a break from all of you. Those whom i loved like a part of me turned out to be even bigger bastards. Lust and Money, they were ready to take in a fat girlfriend. When i think about this it makes me laugh. They cannot digest the fact that i dumped them - An ugly bitch dumped their ass. May be they deserved it OR may be not.

Another thing. Apologies do not matter. If a dick head wants to be a dick head and think with his dick then no amount of apology will ever make him feel sorry for me. It's okay, AGAIN. I am not "really" the loser here.

And the guy i have in my life right now? I feel sorry for him. He has been through so much of shit with me, it's ridiculous he has still stuck to me. For him whatever shit i have gone through is ridiculous too. I can walk away from him any day i want. I know he doesn't have the ability to stop me. But i do not want to walk away from him. For a change i am in love because he says he is in love with me. The day he changes his mind, i will make him miserable, but till then i want to live this life with him.

He is not really a knight in shining armor, but he definitely is a person close to my heart. The only person in this world whom i do not hate with all my heart. I do hate him, but i love him more. He has accepted me with all my flaws, i appreciate that. Many did not have the balls to do that! But no! this guy claims to love me.

Let him Love me. I am not complaining. I rather like it a lot. :)

Not my Words

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire sooner or later
I get what i'm asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time i bleed
The truth is a stranger soul is in danger
I gotta let my spirit be free

To admit that i'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but i have to move on
And leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything i've done
Live every second like it was my last one

Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once needed protection
You're still a part of everything i do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you
I'll always have you
I'll always have you"


--Jordin Sparks

What's the FUCKING point!

It's a money game,
However much i want to deny it,
My life is a money game.
College education-money game.
Higher degrees-money game.
How will i survive?
Is it based on money game?

Fight cancer, fight AIDS,
What's the point, when your pocket is empty?
I am mad, I am disgusted,
At what the world is coming to be.

Serving science is ridiculous,
No one will hear you even if you are a genius.

Wow them, Show them you will get them Money,
Or shush yourself, and get a corporate degree,Honey!

Boo Hoo Healthcare!

The entire Health Care/ Insurance debate in this country is making me want to blow my own head. The entire agenda is free health care, on the other hand there are companies giving out genetic information for only a mere $1000. WTF!!?? If i know i have a potential of having breast cancer ( dependent on my genetic evaluation) i am going to think about Health Insurance that would pay for my treatment if i DO have breast cancer in the future. Okay. SO what if i can't afford the premium? Will my life move into eternal doom?

Make health care affordable. That is my point, or at least there should be governmental facilities where the poor people can actually can get treatment without paying. What is the point of selling the healthy kidney to get funding to treat the effected kidney??

It's ridiculous. It's inhumane. Makes me re-think if i want my career in medical science or not.

What is the point in dedicating my life to find a cure, when people themselves won't be able to afford it??

Fuck This World!!

Friendships: long lost

No. I do not tell stories. I have never blown anything out of proportion. I have not lied to save myself, may be for others. I never lied to you before that fateful day.

I am tired of making myself come back to the same spot. Fuck! I do not want this for me. I never wanted this for me. I am doing well. I want to keep that in mind. I am doing fine. I have to believe this. I have to believe this if i have to uphold this pretension of sanity.

I do not know if you are in pain or not, or is this is just a mere halt in your game, but i sympathized. I tried to. I wanted to tell you that things will be fine. I wanted to tell you a lot of things, but what did i get out of it? Pain again. Feeling of self-contempt.

I am not doing this EVER again. I will not pay notice to you. I thought we were friends, but you proved me wrong again. The likeness ends. Life presents you a new turn, even if you think you have been down that road before.

what's the deal this time?

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle All the way,
Oh! what fun is to wonder,
Why my life is an epic fail!

:)


Just acting under the weather! too much of rain! not needed!

Got another tattoo! Each of them symbolizes a great part of the pain i have suffered since last year.Every time i was in immense pain, i transformed it onto body art. I transform it to something visual.

I will take a break from the ink now. Is it because i am content now? Or is it because i am waiting for another mind-fuck-blow?

Dialogue!

Hey you!

Yes, I am talking to you!!

Yes! YOU!

Take a U-turn!

Good.


Yeah, yeah! Just stop right there!! Yes! There!

See this place? Where you stranded me. Left me alone?

Bookmark it.

Fast forward the road again. Good! You are right where we started from. In the present of course you dummy!

Look around!

Do you regret something?

Lessons

With everything that has happened over the past, i feel so inadequate that it is not even funny. A year is about to be completed since last April, and what have i learnt?

1. Love IS blind. You do not see where you are headed to.

2. The price is heavy for breaking someone's heart. It will haunt you forever.

3. You never understand when you are getting used, and when you are using someone.

4. Past can be a HUGE bitch. She should be raped in public.

5. Your life's biggest dream has come true, but it doesn't matter as you are in pain.

6. Heartache is constant.

7. Promises are vague.

8. Living away from home is not what anyone would want.

9. Then again, home can be your worst nightmare.

10. Soul-mates do not exist. EVERYONE moves on.

11. Love is over-rated.

12. Lust is under-rated.

13. I love you.

14. I am sorry.

15. It doesn't matter.

16. You broke my trust.

17. I trust you again.

18. But if you hurt me again, i will castrate you in public.

19. Time flies, you move on, but i will remain in you forever.

20. I failed. You won. I accept it.

21. I do not want a year like this EVER again.

22. Pain has become a part of me. I enjoy it now.

23. I love you.

Am i looking forward to a new year, yes. But this time i am the stronger person. This time you may sway out of your way, but i will stand undeterred.

Expensive!

I have been used,
Over and over again.
The resources are draining out,
My existence is going faint.

Once there was a time,
I was so sure of myself.
Once there was time,
I made everything sustain.

Now that i am invisible,
not what you want to hold.
I am no more the object of your desire,
I am no more a pot of gold.

Nobody but Me

It is nobody's fault the way I am.

I know i am insensitive, i know i am quite a pain. I know i throw unnecessary tantrums. I know that i am all that is not desired.

I am me, because that is how it is meant to be. I have changed over the years because of my situations and my experiences. I cannot blame them on a particular person. I cannot blame it on you. The circumstances molded me. My life has molded me.

I am calm with what i am, i am at peace. I have accepted that life can be a bitch. I have accepted that i am not good enough.

It is Okay. I will live.

seasons change every day

Dew drops on the grass,
beauty lays undercover.
Orange leaves, withering away,
winter's gone, spring is on the way.

Morning shivers, evening gloom,
seeing spring in a new form.
Golden light, bright and warm,
Spring is not for long.

Summer is on the way,
Fall is again nearby,
Another year lost in dismay.

Barbie Doll

Do you taste something bitter?
Like something burning you inside?
That is me in you,
working like acid in disguise.

Love is not easy, promises are not solid.
You taught the lesson i did not need.
Now suffer away, because you have broken my trust,
I will caress you to sleep, and then tear open your heart.

Just Because it is your Fault

I have not been writing for a long time now. May be, because i don't know how to describe my feelings in words. I am experiencing feelings of regret or revulsion? I quite do not know. Or may be both.

Whatever that has happened has taught me a severe lesson in life. The most severe. I am not afraid to be alone anymore. I am not afraid to experience things all by myself. Nothing lasts forever. No feeling is deep enough to make any relationship pure. The pitfalls will arise eventually. If it does not happen to me, it will happen to him and vice versa.

I also discovered that i can be quite a bitch. I can go to any extent to make him like he is the culprit, the entire world's downfalls is to be blamed on him. I will do it to anyone who hurts me and that is quite scary.

My body-clock has also reversed. This break from school has made me go reverse. I sleep in the days, stay awake at night. I am miscible with the darkness around me. I will crawl into you, and torture you into the black-hole of insanity.

School is opening day after tomorrow. i am ready to become busy again. I am ready to be jumbled up. I want to get over with this semester and go back to the familiarity of Kolkata air. This time, i promise myself, that i will explore my city more, and not brood over the guy/guys in my life. Love is overrated, hatred is underrated. My hatred for people cumulating inside me has brought a calm about myself. I do not fear that you will leave me and go. Because you have already left me. I love u, but then again i don't. I want you, but then again i want to be away from you.

You have to creep back into my life again. If you want me, you have to prove it. If you want my love, acquire it. Whatever you do, i never said it would be easy.:)

Square-one Homies!

When i need one moment of sanity, it is snatched away from me. I am sinking in this never ending pool of agony, and i have no one to pull me right back up.

I have acquired a taste for JD now. It tastes like honey, melting away my plight. I don't want to be the queen of agony. I think i have suffered enough.

But is enough ever enough? Why did you have to do this to me? You could have just said it once. Why ganguly? Why?

Craving

I think my system is poisoned. I want to throw up every single waking minute of my life. Tired, very tired. Bored, very bored. A week in Plattsburgh when NO ONE is around is like blahhh!!! I want home so bad, that it's not even funny. I want the warmth, and the love.

Definitely the love.

Ode to the Unknown

Life can fuck you in and out, if it wants to. I have had the biggest scare of my life in the past 48 hours, but things have settled. I do not know whom to thank for that. Should i thank my old life from home, or my new life in Plattsburgh? My friends here are amazing. They are my guardian angels. I have found a family. I have found brothers, sisters and soul-mates here. I am blessed in a way. I know all of these are lessons in life, and i am just glad that i have people to bank on. Thank you, to all of you, who don't know what you have proved to be in these past two days. :)

Life sways in it's motion.
You need to gather the strength to fight it.
It will try to break you, crush you,
You need to stand straight, do not give away.

All are lessons not found in books,
The teacher is invisible.
You are a student everyday, outside a classroom.
Your mistakes make up your future.
Your stunts make what you are.
Hold on, secure your feet.
Learn calmly what life has to teach.

Kinetics-Dynamics-FML

Yes, i am at a crossroad now. I do not know which way to go. To be more precise this is not a crossroad, it's a two way highway. I do not know to move forward or go back. Both ways are extremely harmful and catastrophic. So i am stagnant for now, weighing my options for a while.

If i go back, then, well.... it's gonna be high-end drama. If i move forward, it's a bit of drama, but i enter the swallowing hole of loneliness. It's not that I am living in a crowd right now, but i still have someone to bank upon, or may be i don't. The distances are finally creeping in. Long-distance relationship is finally taking it's toll.

I have hurt him, he excused me for my stupidness.
I move forward, dump all my skeletons in a closet, lock it and throw away the key.
He tries to open it up, and tears me apart again.
I can't trust him anymore.
I am building my wall again. I am slowly drifting away.
Even if he tells me he is sorry, i am scared. I am scared of being accused. I am scared of feeling like a complete nuisance.
I am fragile.

Do i move forward? Do i stand still?

Why Weasel?

Cents, quarter,
dollar and a pound.
Money matters all around.
Money walks, money talks,
Without money,Get Lost!

Buy love, buy fame,
Money Money,
It is all a game.
Money wins, Money triumphs,
Without money, nothing shines.

Money losses makes you cry,
Win a lottery and fly high.
To give money think twice,
To get money use sly.
Just some people,have it all,
And the rest of us have none.

"That's the way the money goes
Pop! goes the weasel."
Don't stop and scratch your nose,
"Pop! goes the weasel"

Once and for all

One by one,
the days pass by.
I want to hold you,
and sleep real tight.

I do not want to wake up,
face this nasty world.
I do not want to leave your embrace,
I do not want to let go of your touch.

Hold me again like the way you did,
whisper sweet nothings into my ears.
Become my best friend again,
We will walk the road together.
Let us renew our vows,
And immerse in each other.

Don't wake me up,
do not break my trance.
If to meet you is only in my dreams,
then put me to eternal sleep.
I will fade away with you in my soul.
I will fade away as a forgotten song.

Disappointed :(

Disappointment comes in a lot of forms, and i have faced almost a lot of those. Today, i am disappointed again. I think this year is not really mine. Have been fucked over and over. This time the feeling is different. It does not accompany regret and resentment.

This time the disappointment is because i did not achieve something, and my mom will suffer in shedding more money. I did not get the CA job, therefore no lowering of school fees. I feel so bad. Aaaaarrrgggghhhhh!!

Sorry maa, i let you down. But the RA decisions come at the end of March! if i don't get that then, i am kind of screwed.

*sigh*

No expectations, but yet expectations

I do not know what to call the emotions that are jumbled up in me right now. I am scared and brave, angry and mellow,and extremely vulnerable at this moment. Some would say i deserve this, but i would say that i don't.

I have been a fairly good person all these years of my life. Made everyone comfortable around. Gave up almost all my recreations in order to achieve the ultimatum love, but did not work. I am here alone and heartbroken.I am completely hopeless. I do not believe in promises anymore. I do not believe in the word "love". Love fades away. Even a saint of a person looks beyond these four letters and starts expecting in return. I expected, and here i am all torn apart. He said he never expected, but now he is starting to and all that backlash.

I have tried almost everything. Changed myself as a person to make him mine, in all ultimate reasons. I have stopped being immature. I have stopped doing everything that hurt him. Still, it does not work. He still questions my integrity, or so as i feel.

I am done. I am done making a victim of myself. No, i do not deserve this. I deserve to be a whole person. I deserve to be loved in all means because i have loved in all means. I have loved going beyond myself. I have loved against all my principles. Yes, i "expect" to be treated the way i should be.

Shoot me for that!

(N)orgasm

Goosebumps,
sweat beads.
Thumping heart,
racing beats.

Trembling lips,
hot skin.
Electric touch,
moan and scream.

Open buttons,
unzip jeans.
Come closer,
Your eyes gleam.

Dirty mind,
Purse lips.
Climb on me,
feel me in.

Back and forth,
sway in motion.
Scratched skin,
enter deeper.

Climax soon,
move faster.

Not just you,
what a disaster.

Eleven minutes
Is what it takes.
For you to enjoy,
and for me to fake.

Timbits

My love life is in a mess right now. I don't know who to blame for it, and i don't want to blame anymore. I am tired of this blame game. Just fuck it! It will never work if it is not meant to be. I believe it now. However much i try, things will not be fine. Once the damage is done, it is done forever.

Tonight i want to say some facts about my life. 7 facts. Why 7 facts? I don't know. Just like that!

1. I am a very insecure person. No sense of self-worth for myself. Sucks doesn't it? I mean if a hippie/gypsy chick is said to be better than me, then yes THAT does lead to low self value.

2. I am very ambitious. I will give up anything for my future. ANYTHING.

3. I am a very friendly person. I have always treated my friends like my family. Each one of them. I have been fucked in my ass by a lot of them when i needed them the most. That has led me to stop making friends in a jiffy.

4. I have learnt painting for 9 years, singing for 3 yrs, i have been an instrumentalist for 7 years and i was trained as a dancer for 3 years. Never completed any course, always quit. Why? My inconsistency.

5. I always thought that i could fall in and out of love pretty easily. This time it fucked me up. I couldn't fall in or out quite that easily. Changed my life. period.

6. I want to become a writer and join Politics.

7. I wish i could undo the day i lost my virginity. I wish it was not in a living room, but in a bedroom. I wish i was older.

Lets make it 8 facts. 7 is a bitchy number.

8. I am not a very confident person. I act to be confident, making me over-confident at times. :(


Me off to bed. Long day ahead.

Back to the future.

Yeah, i was wished Happy Birthday today and, it's not till next month! Amazing ain't it? That too by a person who has celebrated my birthday last two years, actually make it three, by gorging on food. Sweet.

Anyways, what i wanted to write about is that, I am NOT looking forward to my birthday. I don't want to be twenty. It's like being old. I won't be a teenager, my tantrums cannot be blamed on adolescence. Aarggghhh!! And the older i grow means that i have to start thinking about earning my own living. No mommy dependence anymore. Sucks!! So six more years till i make at least 60,000 moolah a year (in dollars of course). If science does not fetch me this money within six years, my mom's company would.

Back up plans make me happy. :)

Past my life!

I don't have a social life anymore. I have killed it. For whom, i don't know, but i know my social life has officially come to an end. And i am how old? 19 years and eleven months.Bizzare.

It's not that i don't have friends, but my friends are the nerds. The non-party type movie lovers. I don't drink, i don't party, hell i don't dance anymore. This time when i go back home, i will make it a point that i do enjoy myself.

Somehow, i am used to this life. Somehow, i like this peace and calmness that surrounds me.

I like it? or i have made myself like it?

Again

Walking my way,
all over again.
This time i ain't stopping.
Just like a meandering river,
I am gently flowing.

My way to my destiny,
suddenly got halted.
Life disrupted?
Who caused it, again?

I look up towards the endless skies,
goddamnit, i blame those Angel eyes.

Sigh of Relief!

I have gotten back all the results of my past exams, and I am relieved. I have scored fairly decent. On the borders of A's but i know i will make it. The past month and the turmoil that came with it, in my mind and my life, was just unbearable. I guess i made it through. I survived.

I have cut down a lot of things in my life. I have cut down on my fat intake, but my nicotine intake has risen up (ignore that). I have cut down on being completely obsessed with him, and he has become a thought now, which i shoo away every time it resurfaces. I have cut down on being a bitch. I have cut down on spending money. I have cut down on throwing tantrums in front of Ganguly. He complains subtly, he did it yesterday night, but i ignored it.

But i got a boost today, i am not strangling in my academics. I am still on the borderline of getting a 4.0 GPA, but i hope i still make it.

I have to. This is the only thing i have right now to keep me safe, keep me from hurting myself.

Why am i so high!?!?!?

OMG! I am still alive. After i taught my 300 level class (mind you, i am a freshman) today, i was relieved of a big nightmare. I was stuttering and my hands were sweaty, but i think i did a good job. For one moment i thought, i was born to do it. I was doing exactly i was supposed to do. Teach in a College, that too in US of A. yippee!!

Maa, i HAVE NOT made a mistake. I am doing the right thing. At least what i feel today. May be i am dealing with the wrong subject, but i did a great job. Me proud.

What i wanted to write now, is about that moment of supreme clarity in our head. It happens, like a burst of energy, it flows through your veins. You become the power. You become the epitome. You enact your destiny. For forty minutes today, i felt it. I felt like i was too cool for school. Except for Nishank, bursting my bubbles, it was pretty goddamn fine. But why the efff he has to be his genius self. I am intimidated and scared of him. That bloody human knows EVERYTHING about genetics.

AND the worse thing about him is, i want to be just like him! ;)