Home sweet home

Living in America has been my dream ever since i was a little child. But when i was a little child, i did not think that i might actually fall in love with my city. I did not know that i have to maintain a long distance relationship. I did not know that pain could be so cruel. I did not know that America is so cold.

I do not regret my decision of coming here for my education. Not a single bit. But settling down here, having a family and raising my kids in this country is out of the big picture. I would like to, one day, go back to my hometown. Go back to where i started from. Not that it's hard surviving here, but because i want to help to build a better India so that no kid has to leave their families behind thousands of miles to live in the land of dreams. I want to help build an India which would be our own land of dreams. I would not want my kids to leave me and run to other countries because our own country cannot provide enough. If all the smart heads dedicate their lives to a foreign country then who would take care of what is our own?

I see the culture here. I see how i can never belong here 100%. I see how i am a foreigner and how they are insecure that i am a potential immigrant. That i am a potential "job-snatcher". If i were in their place i would completely understand. If a foreigner back at home snatches my job then i would eye them in a different way. I would. No denying that. But the point is that i am not American. Never will be. Even if i hold an American passport 20 years down the line, i will still be an immigrant. I would die in a land where i wasn't born. I would work for a land which is not mine. I will give my best to a land which will never accept me in all terms. America could be mine, but i would never be of America.

What i believe is utilizing resources. We can learn the ways of the super power and then implement in our haven, and make it a super-power one day. If all the educated people flee from India, then why wouldn't we have a Mamata Bannerji and Laloo Prasad Yadav governing the country. Why can't there be more of Shashi Tharoors and Rahul Gandhis? Why can't we have more of Harvards and Yales in India. I know the country cannot change overnight. The system is faulty from within. But if i try then someone else will be inspired, and then it will result in a chain reaction. But we HAVE to try, and i am ready to take the risk.

I am ready to make a change, however small it is. I am ready to go back to my country and serve it after i am done earning my degree. Maybe i was not smart enough for IIT, but at least i won't throw away my IIT-ian education and run to USA for a job. I rather spend dollars and earn rupees. Yes, it is a loss, but it is worth it.

There was a time when our forefathers traveled to distant lands to earn a degree and come back to our country. It is for them that the doors to the outside world opened, but they forgot to let us know when to close the door and return back to our roots. It is for them that India was educated in it's own way. The process is stagnant now because now people leave, but forget to return. How will the wheel move forward if the drivers are leaving their own chariots?

I need to prove to people, in and outside India, that our country has the potential. It has the potential of being the best. I am ready to pull a stunt after ten years, and land in my own house. The question is how many more are ready to take the plunge? How many actually believe, "Saare jahan se acchan, Hindustaan hamara" ?

I believe in it. Do you?

Thoughts

I tell myself the same thing over and over again. Things will be fine. I will be fine. But there is too much of heartache. There is just too much of pain for a 19 year old to handle. There is just a fucking lot to forgive and forget.

I have become this ping-pong ball. Moving from one direction to the other because wherever i turn, i am hit right back to where i started from. Now, i don't know what to do with my life. My ambition of finding the cure for cancer is slowly disappearing, and i am thinking again and again of changing my major. I love biology but i love other things too. If i want to graduate in three years i cannot change my major. Period. And moreover, if i DO change it i am sure my mother would stop paying for college, which is a huge fucking factor. May be after i graduate and get a decent job, and earn a few bucks i might consider going back to school. To major in Philosophy. Yes. You have read it right. Philosophy. I love the subject. It helps me connect dots in the confused world of human thoughts just like science helps me connect dots in the outside world.

Other than the academics, i am not very sure of my life. My love life has been absolutely shitty over my teenage years. The closer i am moving towards completing 20 years of my life, i look back and see mostly pain. Name it. I have faced it. It seems like what possibly could have happened in the life of a 20 year old, but believe me, shit happens. Especially to me. Mostly for my own mistakes, the others can be blamed on a few people, but they blame me back for it.

I don't know why most people hate me. I mean, i ain't a cruel witch. I help everybody almost going out of my way. I have always treated friends as my family. I have made my lovers the center of my world. But it was never enough. I never got back what i deserved.I think i deserve things, but i guess i don't in reality. May be something is wrong with me. May be something is wrong with them.

I can't analyze anymore. It hurts me, and i am losing my concentration and attention. I am hurting myself even though i know i am not the villain. I know i am not good enough, but i am not the worst out there.

I had been a good girl to you. I still am, and i will continue to be.

I am trying really hard to be satisfied with what i have. But the feeling is not complete. It has holes and gaps in it. I feel empty sometimes, and sometimes my own emotions overwhelm me.

I don't know myself, and i can't expect you to know me. But i have asked you to love me. I will keep on asking. May be i won't speak it anymore, and seem like a complete psycho bitch, but i will keep on asking you to adore me. Like you did. Like you do. I will work on my faults, and someday i might be good enough for you, but till then please don't leave me. I need you. More than i thought i ever would.

May be nothing is wrong with me. May be something is wrong with the way you look at me, and judge me. May be something is wrong in the way you think about me. May be it's not you.

May be it's just the situation.

But whatever it is. This is me. weak and strong. tough and fragile. kind and obnoxious. modest and proud. This is me. This is what you fell in love with. Remember? Just hold on to that thought of me. I will try to be back. I will try to be the person you fell in love with.

May be i am that person now. But layered. Tailored. Very tired. But deep down i am still there. Deep down i am still yours. Deep down i am just the same person.

Deep down i am me. The person who is you. The person you love right at this moment. The person who wrote this. The person who is thinking about you while writing this.

May be nothing is wrong with me. May be something about you makes me wrong. Fix it, and we will be perfect. We will be what we dream us to be.

Fast-Forward

I have had a really long day. My bones are tired and i am not in my brightest of moods. I am sulky and i am pissed. And i am really really tired of living alone. Even if i am home, i am alone. It's my mind that is alone even in a sea of crowds.

My man is one of the best guys i have come across, but still i am reluctant. I am still insecure, and deep down i still think that he will hurt me and go away. I don't know why i am like this. I don't know why i think so negatively. I don't know why i feel that i am not good enough for anyone.

My head is the reason of my failed relationships. I escape before the person can hurt me. I escape by hurting him before my heart cuts open and bleeds. But it bleeds, nevertheless. Even if i leave and walk away it still bleeds. I do not save myself from any hurt. I do not save myself from all those thoughts in my head.

I love again. I am scared. I hurt. I run.

Please don't read this

It's scary how you are giving up on sanity because you have been hurt. Wake up, you. Everyone gets hurt. Everyone has been betrayed, manipulated and cheated on. But more than you have been cheated on, you have cheated yourself.

What are you doing? Can't you see you are giving up on every hope of love. Fine, i was the one who has hurt you, and yes i admit that whatever i did was wrong. But seriously, her? I mean if i have known you then i know you are completely faking it. Faking to yourself and her. And anyways you don't really "want" her. That is evident. But for petty distractions and booty, you have chosen the wrong shit. Do not keep her in an illusion. It's not fair to her. If you claim she had had a sorry life, then well don't make it more sorry.

I don't understand why people retreat into a cube when they are hurt. When i am hurt, i become outrageous. I will become your biggest nightmare, so don't piss me off. But it's good i become loud and obnoxious because it is better. Retreating into oneself is frustrating, and is a self-destructing strategy.

Anyways, I am now no one to tell you what is right or wrong for you, but i know i have tried to make you see the factual states of life and love. You CANNOT love two people at the same time. You can love someone, and adore the other one. And sometimes we are the ones who confuse the adoring-liking emotion with love. I have NOT taught you how to love two people at the same time. It's my fault that i had claimed i did. But no. It has always been one. You tell me that she is not meant to be, she is not what you need, she is your scape-goat. But do you tell her that?

I have stopped discussing these things with you, and i know we are completely floating apart. I know you hate me, and never want to be in association with me. But you have to admit that whatever i have thought is bad for you has turned out to be more gross.

Listen to me.

Remember the things i told you.

I know now it seems fun and kinky because you can fuck two girls in the same bed (possible).

But retreat before it's too late.

She will slit your throat.

And you will have another person to hate and blame.

parasite

U know how you yourself nurture something with your own hands, and then someone tries to snatch it from you and call it their own??? That pisses the fucking daylight out of me.

Well you can't do anything about it if shit like that happens. I know it's cheap how people publicize something of others as their own. I hate it when they pretend to be the boss. I hate it when they have absolutely no talent, and pretend to be the epitome of creativity?

What are these guys trying to prove? Why the fuck it's so important for them to fake? Why is it so important for them to show they are successful when they are not??? Why why?

Well these questions have no specific answers, but i can come to one conclusion. They are parasites living off the light and brightness of others, trying to survive in this harsh world sucking of every energy source.

They are incapable, but they do have a talent. A talent of deceit. A talent of trampling over others for their own benefits.

Tired

I have become this weird morning person, having breakfast, and sitting in the library studying. WTF! wat is wrong with me?

I guess i am still jet lagged. I have 5 classes today, and i know i am going to die. But i am excited for tomorrow. Will go to Vincent's to sketch down my, another "meaningful" tattoo. Don't have the cash to do it though. Still no reply from the job department. wtf! gonna look for some new ones too.

Anyways have class in 20 minutes. Will post soon if i am not dead with tiredness.

Scary

OK. The class with Dr.Conrad has scared the shit out of me.

Ok. Review.

I am the only freshman in the class. All the so-called famous biology geniuses are in the class. Most of the things they talked about in the class during discussion made no sense to me, and for the first time in my life i felt stupid.

Although i got 2 of the answers right, i am bloody scared.

OK. It's Dr. Conrad. I am in love with him. Eversince last semester when i took BIO 101 with him, i am in love. Unconditionally. With this Santa Claus of a professor. The problem? EVERYONE in that class is in love with him.

I know genetics is my thing and i took this elective class just to know more from Dr.Conrad. The man is a genius. He knows his thing. His students in THAT class are also geniuses in the making, knowing their thing.

Where do i stand? I am me. I know i am freshman, and even though i won't top this class i will know my thing- Genetics. I will try as much i can to be successful. But i guess it's a good thing i am so intimidated.

I will work doubly hard and kick everyone's ass. I AM biology. It has always been in me. It's the only thing i am good at.

Well i don't know how long will these reconciliations to myself will work.

Anyways, I am in Sibley now. My philosophy class. OK. First class ever in Sibley. SIbley is huge and seems haunted. I will try not to fall asleep, which i tend to do when i am taking any art/philosophy/humanities classes.

Wish me luck.

Getting started

The first two classes were pretty OK. It's raining here in Plattsburgh and the weather is extremely likeable. The wind is bad though. Other than that it has been first class. I ran quite a few errands too, and i seem happy with myself.

AND i applied for a few jobs today. Yes, i want to start working. Not that i am low on money it's just that i want to earn again, and do stuff with my own money. My mom is paying for a hell lot of shit already, and i guess it's not fair on her.

Other than this i am really looking forward to the semester. I hope it will be better and i will do better.

well i need to make my lunch now and feed myself. Though i am on a healthy diet this semester, i am having this weird craving for dark chocolate. I will pick some up from Campus Express i hope. I am gonna start working out too, and get my body back in shape. Being fat is not about looking bad, but it takes a toll on your health. Running around and about campus will seem easier once i shed 20 pounds. :)

Well, thats about it for now. I know there ain't anything philosophical on this post, but i am not feeling anything extraordinary now. Just trying to prioritize things right now. Want to make most out of college. You get to live this life just once, and i had a second chance at it. Not many people are as lucky as me.

Anyways gotta get ready for my next class. Will post soon.

Retreat

I have not been writing for these past few days because a lot of my emotions are jumbled up in my head, and i don't know which one should be given priority to. Plus packing, travelling and jet-lag doesn't exactly brings out the creative side in me.

I am jet lagged and wide awake right now. Have class in three hours and i am looking forward to it. After having nothing to do for the past 40 days i want to get back into action again. Study again. Because that is what i do best. I like to keep busy so i can shut out all the thoughts in my head.

Well it's not THAT cold in Plattsburgh, and i guess the global warming shit is finally taking a toll on the earth's climate. We need to take care of our planet before it's too late. Anyways i am not complaining about the improved weather, it's just that i wish there was more snow like it always has been. :(

I have left quite a few of my heart aches in Kolkata, and i feel pretty light here. They are still debating inside me, but i can't hear them anymore. It's like i have finally learnt to ignore the things that hurt me, and mutilate my soul. This time i am more focused on what i have, and not what i have lost. Seeing friends back here was also quite nice. Although i have lost quite a lot of friends back at home, i have realized it's never too late to make new ones. And the ones i have here are pretty fun. :)

My past does keep coming back to me, and my horrid vacation still gleams bright in my memory. But what can i do? I tried to make things fine. I thought we could be friends. But we are not, never will be. So i should stop bothering myself with lousy thoughts of the past. I choose to hold onto the good memories, and not the tears, bleeding and heart aches.

My mother has not called me ever since i have come back from India. Which seems a little weird. Although she has mailed me quite an emotional e-mail, i am surprised at her nevertheless.

Deepak's audio is working and it is such a relief. I can talk to him and not spend hundreds of dollars. It's quite a nice feeling.And he is SO adorable. I miss him. A lot. He has been my best friend and lover for quite a few months now, and i know i can bank on him any moment. I wish him all the luck with his life. I know he has it in him to be successful, and i want him to prove himself in front of everyone. Everyone who thinks he doesn't have it in him. I love you. I mean it. :)

Well i need to arrange my binders now and print out my schedule. Will blog in class later on if Hoag drives me crazy. So i am up and about.

Well, Pooja. It's official. Welcome back to college. :)

Scandal

Why don't you go away?

My nightmare.

You make me sweat

On my bed.

Why don't you go away?

My bleeding heart.

You cause pain

In my head.

I can't sleep

I can't stay awake

Why don't you go away?

Tears roll down

Heart aches

Cigarette smoke

All in vain.

Alcohol down my throat

Burns my insides

Does no good

Still i try.

Oh my nightmare

Please go away

Pick up my bleeding heart

On your way.

Say goodbye

Don't turn around

My hope is dying

one by one.

Say goodbye

One last time

Kiss my lips

Hold me tight

Touch my skin

Rip off your shirt

Enter me

You on top.

Eleven Minutes

That's all it takes

I fake for your sake.

Say goodbye

Oh! my nightmare

I know you will come back

Right here.

You say you have moved on

But you have not

You want me

and also her.

You lie, u cheat.

Just to be with me.

Oh! my nightmare

Look around and see.

You have lost

along with me.

Why don't you go away?

My nightmare.

Trying

I am finally in my room. for three more days.

The numbness is finally setting in again. I am shutting off my system. I am getting back in my mode of Plattsburgh.

This vacation i learnt a lot of things. Most importantly if your heart is bleeding, no amount of self inflicted pain can beat the pain of your bleeding heart. Cutting myself up was a BAD idea. I have done that before, but this time it was strangely pleasurable. I don't want to repeat it. I don't want to die everyday like i have been for the past 9 months. It's not worth it. I understand that now. No one cares. No one will take the blame.

I want to live a normal life. This pain and hollowness inside me is getting bigger everyday, and i have finally learnt to stop being emotional. I have finally learnt to stop caring. I can finally be indifferent.

I am leaving again, but this time i WANT to. I don't want all the memories this city gives me. I don't want to be a player anymore. I want to be so busy that i don't get time for crying my eyes out every single moment i am awake. And this time i don't want to cry in my room at college. I want some freedom. I want some air to breathe in.

Alcohol and drugs are not answers to pain. What they do is they make it grow inside you, like a fertilizer to a parasite. SO my answer to my pain is shutting down my brain. Don't think. Ignore. Stop blaming. Stop being a victim. Love has never been for me. I never got anything but heartache from love. Hence, this time i am loving because i feel loved. I am in love because i need to forget my own pain. This time being in love is not about my man, but about me.

The pain in my heart does not die though. All i need to do is break it into pieces and ignore it once and for all. If he can move on, i can too.

It's time i kill my heart and ignore the pain. :)

Aal iz Well :)

Having internet access in Eastern Railway is such an awesome experience. Like it makes me feel that my country is not THAT far behind as people put it to be.

On a serious note : I have cut my feet because a nail punched itself in my feet when i ran to the terrace to smoke a cigarette out of desperation. So OUCH! need to get tetanus shot ASAP!

The train is kind of empty now and sitting on the top bunk it's kinda makes me feel like a queen on cloud nine. :P Just the shaking and jiggling of the rhythm of the train is making it pretty difficult to navigate the mouse. Other than that it's first class. :)

I don't know what to name this post. utterly confused. i wanted to hate on someone in my post but then i decided i don't want a drama in my life when he reads this. I mean he claims to want to live a "peaceful" life with his new found love, but my comments bothers him as we are wedded for years. What Bawal! :P

Can't wait to go back to Kolkata for the last three days. Spend as much time with deepak as possible. He needs me more than any thing right now, and it's my duty and my love for him to assure him that i am there for him. :)

Well i hope my next post is from my OWN laptop, in my house! yei!

Adios.


Oh i know what to name the post! ;)

Invalid

In this world we meet two kinds of people- assholes and bigger assholes. I seem to have met the latter category a lot. Some friends say that they will be there for us for a long time, but they back stab you and move on because you no longer are valid.

Use people and move on. Don't care if they have been with you your every waking moment. Don't care if they have been a very important part in your dreams. If you are no use anymore then with the hell with you.

You know what? We don't fucking need you anymore. You are fucking useless piece of shit with no fucking emotions. You are the fucking invalid, and you know very well that what you are today,and if you had any success, is because of me. Because of people like us.

Faith-game

The whole world has become a show. It's a circus, i tell you. Our political and religious scene has become a facade and the leaders have become the ring masters.

This has been my i-don't-know-how-many-times visit to Puri, and if i am in Puri i visit the Jagannath Temple. Its not that i am a religious person, but yes, i am spiritual. As soon as one enters the temple premises, one enters a circus. Money games going on everywhere and the highest bidders win.

Give money when you enter. Give money when u pray. Give money when you leave. Give give!! Money Money. It's a shame though. Just because my family has the moolah i get VIP treatment when i enter the temple. My mom and sister shedding out hundred rupees every time a "panda" asks for it. So we don't really face any trouble in the hoards of people present in the temple premises.

Thousands of people enter the temple everyday and it has turned out to be a huge business. But while i was waiting while mom was buying the puja "bhog" i was looking at a family. They looked extremely normal, and seemed to be of a middle class family. Their panda showed them the bhog rate chart, and pointed out the most costliest rates that were not below Rs.3000. I saw them contemplating their options, making their way down to the end of the chart, while my mom had already already ordered bhog of Rs.5000. The family ended up paying Rs.300 while my sister and mom paid Rs.6000. Does this mean that my family is more closer to god or a better follower than the family i was noticing? NO.

It's a game. A race to the top even in a place of faith. A temple should be a place where all people are treated equally. A temple should be a place of meditation and purity.But it has turned out to be a money minting factory. The pandas seem so well fed that the devotees seem like they have come out of starving hibernation. It's so strange how money buys you a quick entrance, a grand puja and room full of "prasad". Where is the devotion getting reflected in all this?

Why is faith being measured by your bank balance? What has the world come to? Why for a proper blessing a person has to shed out thousands of rupees? Why the poor and the needy need to pay sky high ticket prices to enter the room where the idols are kept? Why do they have to compromise even in a place of devotion and faith?

Why is everything running around money? Why cannot one worship with whatever they have got and be treated equally? Religion says that god treats us all equally, but it does not reflect in the preaching.

I remember the saying i had learned in first standard, and i hope all re-learn this saying, "Practice what you preach". Hence, give everyone the same treatment in the doorstep of god. It's in Him that most of our countrymen believe in. Do not let them down even in abode of God.

Fidelity

My sister is sleeping right beside me after she has chatted on the phone for a very long time. It was NOT my brother in law she was talking to oh-so-coyly :) .

Fidelity. What is it? I have never been a faithful person, and i have not seen many people who are. I am not saying that everyone is a dog or a bitch and is a cheater. I am not saying every one is sleeping around. But what i am saying is who has been 100% faithful to their partner?

I have fallen in and out of love quite a few times. Some seemed as everlasting love but mostly they turned out to be my teenage hormones kicking inside me. While some were the real deal. I was in love. But they have not lasted have they? My boyfriend's last relationship has not lasted. My ex-boyfriend's relationship before me had not lasted, and the cycle goes on. People are falling in the and out love all the time. Some last longer and takes more time to break. But it will break eventually. If everlasting love really did exist then even after a break-up the dumped person would never get into a relationship again. But do they wait for their former love to back? NO. Eventually they move on. Because there are too many options re. If one goes a better version pops up.

So no feeling is cent percent faithful. Boyfriends and Girlfriends keep checking out other girls and boys respectively. It leads to a "fire" and then a new "love". So banking on your guy or girl to be completely yours is well a stupid thought to think. People are moving on all the time.

Some relationships do last, but those are the result of painful, treacherous hard work. But what will the common non hard-workers will do? Hold on to the good memories. Each relationship or "fling" could be a lesson. Each person you come in contact with, will have a virtue or a value to teach you. SO before blaming your past about being a complete dog, see what you have learned from that person. I am not asking anyone to...well...not try to be unfaithful, but the moments of slips are completely understandable.That one moment of lust does kick in, but that depends on the person in the particular situation. Some are controlled others are well, being human. Fidelity is an illusion, and the longer you are lost in the illusion the more of a hater you become.

But if you see that you have absolutely NO treasure to safe-keep from your past then he/she was probably a dog/bitch. Delete that portion out of the hard drive of your life. ;)

Kind-of-a-list

I cannot apologize enough to my blog for not posting for more than three days. Sorry. Well i am stuck in Puri right now. My mom's internet was not working and i finally started to fiddle with the laptop and achieved internet success!! :D me great. i know. whatever.

Well, i have been here for two days now and i am sulky as hell. i wanna be back in my room, in front of MY laptop. Anyways, i am not complaining in a great degree right now because at this moment i have access to cyber world. Hooray!! But these two days of boredom has made me decide a lot of things. I can feel i am FINALLY moving on from a lot of things. I have stopped expecting things from a few people, and have finally decided to put things in perspective, and it's about time to make my priority list. Firstly, Plattburgh. Have to get used to the terrible cold again, and my WTF classes. So not looking forward to the Everest-like list of homework and assignments. Secondly, i need to get back in shape. seriously. I have been neglecting my health for a long time and now it's time again to pay attention to it. Thirdly, life. I need to figure out where life is taking me. I need to be consistent the way i was a few months ago.

So before i leave for my life again, i need to make sure i stay in touch with my close friends. these six months i have been pretty aloof. giving attention to people who do not need it and ignoring those who have been by me all my life. So keeping in touch is a big thing for me. I feel lethargic most of the times. I mean, it's not that i don't like my friends, but sometimes i feel so tired i kind of say fuck it! who cares? will call them soon. The "soon" never comes and i have been drifting away from my favorite people. Should rectify that.

The people i have been giving so much of attention clearly do not require it. They are living their lives and i sometimes feel that i am imposing myself on them. That is SO not me. Go to rectify this too. AND soon. But this time the "soon" has to come soon. ;) :p

Bare Minimum

Today my mother hosted a dinner party for all her staff. Most of them has worked for my mother for more than 14 years. Seeing them dressing up, laughing and dancing made me think that how simple their wants are. I mean the party was hosted in a 3-star hotel, not THAT fancy, but looking at them i realized how special it was for them.

When you have grown up with almost everything you have desired, your expectations of having a good time raises thousands of folds. But the staff members live a simple life, providing support to their family so they can live a satisfactory life. To them the party at the hotel was extravagant. The broad smiles on their faces, the way they enjoyed themselves on the dance floor made me smile too. Their families looked happy and they looked like they are enjoying themselves.

After a grand feast they left, but before leaving they came up to where my family was seated and thanked every one of us. This usually makes me squirm. They have practically brought me up, and now when they thank me i feel very uncomfortable. I should be thankful to them. Their work is what helps my mother to make the most money and spend it after me. They are the reason that we can afford a 7-star meal while they are content with whatever they get. They are the reason that i can wear Gucci and Prada and they feel delighted if they shop at Pantaloons. Because of them i can afford an education in the States while their children have to do with the schools and colleges here.

The party was in my honor, that is what they say. My mother hosted it because i returned home and they demanded a fancy dinner. When they thanked me and said that because of me my mother gave them the party, i felt delighted. At least i could be of some use to them. I am happy now, that for a very silly reason, i was of some use. I was the reason for the reason of their smiles. :)

Every time i hang out with the "parlour girls" i feel how simple life can be. I learn how to be happy with just the bare minimum.

On your own

I am really tired. Couldn't sleep yesterday night, and today i hardly had any naps. As the days of me getting busier is coming back, i want to be as lazy as possible. I want to chill and get enough drunk to throw a fit.

If i throw a fit now, many people will be annoyed. One or two might just get busted. :P nah! i won't do that! i feel i have grown up. I am beyond those childish tantrums. This vacation has been a very significant one. I don't know when i am going to see my hometown again. Not in a short while, i know. Some people are getting relieved that i am leaving and some are going to be quite helpless.

For example, My mom is going to be all alone again. No, i have not spent every waking hour of my vacation with her, but i know that she feels relieved at night when she knows that her daughter is sleeping in the room next to her's. She thinks i am the rebel. She always knew deep down that i will move out of my home at an early age, but she tried very hard to prevent it. Although she knows that i am trying to make my dreams possible, she had tried very hard to burden me with her dreams. Didn't work out. For one year she was at my neck when i decided to drop out of college and prepare for USA. She slapped me, screamed at me, bribed and insulted me. But then she gave in because she knows that i will be successful in what i have chosen for myself. The land where dreams come true.

Living alone is a lesson on it's own. No one is there to pay you a Rs 100 whenever you ask for it. No one is there to take you to dinner because you don't feel like eating home food. No one is there to care for you when you are sick. No one you have known your entire life is there to share your achievements and successes. But you learn to celebrate on your own. You learn to take care of yourself. You learn to value money. You become independent when you are 19. You become your own parent when you are still a child.

I like it. I am more responsible now. When no one is there to complain about your bad grades you can choose not to care and carry on. But i choose to do well. to succeed. For that person who believed in me. Who believed that i could do well in a distant land. I am trying to be successful and i do succeed for that one person who trusted her little daughter so much that she let go off her. I try to be the best because of my mother.

When she curses me and tells me that i can do better even though i have a 96, i know that her smile is hidden somewhere in all that melodrama which comes with being a mother. I can see her pride when she talks about me and my achievements. And that makes all those fights insignificant, it makes all those "i won't talkk to you anymore" disappear. It makes all those "you won't achieve anything the way you are doing things" negligible. Yes, she is my driving force.

I love you, maa. I hope you continue to believe in me the way you do. I hope i can make you prouder each passing day.

Pain

I cant wait for the freezing weather at Plattsburgh. The cold biting through your skin and making your hands numb. How the pain tingles in places you can't feel because you have lost sensation there. How you shiver till your bone aches.

I want it back. I want the savaging cold. I wont all other pain to shy away.

It's surprising how you learn to love something that pains you. It's weird how i love something that pains me every night. It's weird how i love my pain. Its weird how my pain is now fading away. It is someone else's now. My pain is not mine anymore.

I can't claim it or pleasure it. Its gone. Floated away out of my grips. Clinging on is a different kind of an ache. I am falling in love again. with pain.

Lost

Hollow and broken

My life remains

Ripped and scarred

my soul screeches.

Stop Now!!

The voices are growing

The darkness looms

Faith is fading

towards a perfect doom.

Stop Now!!

Limbs are numbing

senses dead

agony is getting heavier

at the end of the way

Go Away!!

Do you smell that?

Rotten and Melted

Gruesome and gross

Don't be afraid,

Its nothing but my soul.

Stop Now,

Go away.

Leave me alone,

Do not stay.

Save your self

Save your soul

Do it right now!

Take another road.

Life as we know it!

Today was a weird day for me. For the first time i have realized how someone's moment of weakness could have such an overwhelming effect on me. What started out as a normal day turned out to be extraordinary, not in a fun-hyper-super-great day but as a day when two people can find their strengths in each other.

Sometimes your own sorrows and miseries become your center of focus. You tend to forget that your companion is equally depressed and needs something, beyond your presence, to make them smile. Just to assure a person that don't worry, i am there might take a lot of strength for some people who themselves are stuck in a gutter. Yes, i have problems, yes i am battling some serious emotions inside me. But why does my agony blind me so much that i cannot see the person next to me is desperate for me to put beside all my sorrows for a moment? What makes me so selfish that i don't bother to understand that the person, who is making all effort to make my day, is hungry for some compassion? I guess, love for myself makes me immune to the feelings for others. I am so engrossed in my life that anything seems insignificant.

But today i set my priorities aside for a few hours. Took an initiative to make that person happy who is the reason for my inner strength. If his strength breaks, my world will also collapse subsequently. Over the phone his sobs and plea for help made me breathless for a second. It made me think that the person who has lost all his friends, and is in a deeper gutter than me, needs my help right now. I did not, at that point, decide to meet him and give him my company to cheer him up, just because i claim him to be my lover. I decided to wipe his tears because i am a good human being.

He has done a lot of things for me. Don't get me wrong. My act of compassion was not a return of a favor. I did it because he seriously needs it. His life will collapse and he will submerge into depression if i am not there to show him that he has strength to put everything in order again. I was there because he has been there every moment in these past nine months. I was there because at that point he wanted me to be there. I was there because I wanted to be there.

I know how hard it is for him to accept my conditions, my emotions and all those thoughts inside my mind. I know how hard he tries for me to get over my past. I know how hard he tries to love me so much that i forget all that has happened. I still don't and he still tries. Apart from his inconsistent relationship with me, he has his own deep shit problems. His friends have turned out to be the biggest sons of bitches i have ever seen. Pardon my language, but my anger towards them has increased exponentially. They are fame hungry incapable retards who have never achieved anything themselves, but have the balls to back-bitch about someone who was an active part in formulating their dreams. Gold diggers that they are, i know it takes much more than just talent to succeed in life. And people who back stab their biggest strengths are declared losers. :)

Life is a bitch. Most people we meet are opportunists. It is in our own hands to judge people and befriend those who would be there beside you no matter what the fuck happens. Many people have back bitched, back stabbed me , and have called me names. But i have smiled at them every time i have met them. Because i know who i am, and where my life is headed to. I know that being an imbecile will not make me any greater. I am not naive to punch someone's gut just because my life has some obstacles. No i am beyond all this, and i ask you to be beyond all these too.

Maintain what you say to yourself. Yes, it does not matter. As long as we know that we are our biggest strengths we can turn to our so-called friends and say, "Fuck It!". ;)

Magic

It's 3 am in the morning, and i want to write. I am sleepy i know, but i cannot put down this book i am reading. "The Magic Thief" by Sarah Prineas. As you can make out, it is a book about magic.

I don't want to talk about the book. But i want to talk about what i feel about magic. Does magic exist? Yes. I believe it does.

Even though i am a hard-core science student, a scientist in the making, i believe in magic. To be more precise, a greater force. A force that make miracles happen. A force that makes everything around this world happen, without any given explanation. Scientists always do not have answers to the miracles of life. Science cannot explain how a fully paralyzed human being can recover again. Science cannot explain how cancer can be cured without treatment and only on will. Science cannot explain how a baby, just after it is born, abandoned in a trash can, survive for three days without care, nurture or its mother's milk.

What can explain these phenomenas? Magic of life. Life as we know is the biggest form of magic. Our planet, the atmosphere, the air we breathe, the greenery, the sunlight is a magic of its own. The beauty of a new born child, the miracle of life after sudden halt of human functioning explains that life is beyond science. Creation is beyond all explanations.

I believe in the magic of life. I believe with will, power and positive thinking miracles can happen. We all beings are magicians and can make something happen for us if we really want it. Key word. WANT. You really have to picture yourself with the subject of your desire to attain it. Like all magic, we have read in books, the magic of life is all about making it happen. Conjuring up a desirable object out of nowhere. But we do not have wands and spells or locus magicalicus. What we have is our mind. Use it to make it happen. Work your mind to achieve. Direct all your focus with all your strength and you will get what you desire.

So go ahead. Create your own magic. :)

HE

He used to stand there with his arms straight

lonely, homeless, cold and upset.

Looking all around him he could see

only hatred, denial and misery.

Yet he stood there day after day,

Was his work was to look at us and pray?

And he had a calm about himself,

which was scary, or may be it was just pretence.

Standing there he caught everyone’s glimpse.

As if he was a creature, someone against the nature.

He stood there in the rain,

He stood there in pain.

It seemed looking at us was his duty

and blinking might upset his deity.

But one day he was mysteriously gone

And everything there felt so wrong.

His absence was clear, loud and profound.

What had happened to him?

Was he six feet under the ground?

Or did he fly home to his queen

ashamed to tell her what he had seen?

Laughter

I laughed today. I like really laughed. After a long time. I laughed till i was out breath, till tears rolled down. I laughed.

For a very silly reason though. I mean it was the most silliest and the most crappiest thing i have ever heard and i laughed till i couldn't anymore.

It's so strange how things turn. It's strange the way the universe works. It's strange the way every moment counts towards a memory. Today was a memory, that will be etched in my heart.. It's not that today was phenomenal and my life changed. No. But today i laughed. i could hear my own laughter. Open and loud. This is what that will make the memory. This will what that i will remember of this day. The rest of the day will fade away in my memory but the sound of my laughter will stay with me.

I like the way it sounded. I would like to do it more.

Mind-game

Sometimes your mind can be your biggest enemy. It won't listen to you. It will make you think about things you choose to avoid. Direction becomes a challenge. Concentrating becomes a nightmare. How do i lock away my darkest fears? How do i settle my mind and ask it to stop wandering?

Avoid it. Every time a thought you don't like knocks at you, think about your favorite icecream. Everytime your mind formulates a nightmare, change it to a dream. Every time it tries to chase your peace away, take a backflip and arrive at the starting point again. It's tiring. But helps to keep your sanity. It will help to keep yourself from losing. You have to win the race against your own thoughts.

But are those thoughts really yours? You don't think about you being weak. No one wants to do that. There is no pleasure in seeing yourself, crippled, bleeding and drained. Yet, you see it. Yet you clearly can picture your sanity draining out of your body. Who is making you think of all these things? What is making your mind stop where you don't want it to stop? Do you have an answer? I don't.

Escape. Escape from those thoughts. Take a different route. If your vehicle is not listening to you, change it. Don't let your mind win. Force it, to listen to you. Make it your slave. Make it think the things you want to think about. Do not surrender. Do not give up. If you give up, it will make you travel to a chaotic land. In that land there is no you or me. There is just self-torture and destruction.

Gravitate yourself. Hold on. Kick and curse at the thoughts that are yours, but does not make you like yourself. Grab those fragments up and bury it so deep that you can't find it anymore.

It's a game you have to win. It's game i have to win. It is my life. It is MY mind. i cannot surrender to something i can control. I can't surrender to something that is made for me to rule. I am the queen of my kingdom. I am the God and the messiah of my body. I am the light and the darkness. I am the one who rules my body and mind.

Reality is a bitch. If it pokes your brain to think on itself, poke it again and make it listen to you.

Change the reality and give it your own version. See what you like. Sense what you love.

Mind-game. You have made me a player.

Save me from Myself

In one moment your life changes. Many such moments has changed my life. I am not an arrogant, egoistic, spoiled brat. Life has changed me into one. One moment, two, three....i have lost count in my head. I don't know how many times life has fucked me and said, "Pooja, buckle up. You will be fucked harder next time." And it has been right. Instances. Circumstances. Pooja, buckle up.

I don't like to garner sympathy, nor am i strong enough to talk about what has happened in my life. What i choose to do is hurt people. Hurt them and may be, my wounds will heal. But they don't. Be rude to someone, show them who is the boss. May be my wounds will heal. They don't. Smirk at someone, diss someone, break the person's heart who has loved you the most. My wounds will heal. No, they stay open, unhealed, not taken care of. Bloody, itchy and now infected. Like gangrene my wounds are rotting in my memories. Stab someone, insult them. Nothing happens. My wounds remain the same.

Life should had been a great lesson for me, teaching me new things every waking hour. Do i learn? NO. You don't learn from my life. You just bury yourself deeper, farther away from reality. Your soul does not exist anymore. Because your soul was painted black in a dark room. It was dissected in a doctor's examination table, and was ripped apart by the person you thought could be yours forever. Your soul does not exist anymore.

Am i weak then? Fragile? Yes. I am. Poke at it and i will shatter. Someone, unknowingly poked me. I have shattered. Gathering those pieces and fixing myself up is a job i have done several times. But what is different tonight? I can't find my shattered pieces. They are nowhere to be found. I am melting away in space, disappearing. I can't see myself. I can't feel myself.

I ask you. Fix me. Hold me tight like you once did and say, I am here. I never meant to hurt you. I was just trying to keep away my hurt. But i have failed. I am a failure and now i have no choice. Compromising is not in me anymore. I can't take it. Yes, I am weak. Give me shelter in your strong arms. Save me from myself. Don't do it if u can't. Don't do it, if you don't want to. Don't do it because you know my story. Do it, if protecting me means protecting yourself.

I am not going to wither away just yet! I can bundle up my memories and burn them again.

I can curse people again, and become what the world knows of me. I will again become your nightmare. I will become what i know of me.

I have to Write this

What the Fuck is wrong with this goddamn city?????

I know i have said goodnight, but i have to break my vow of not typing.

It's 12:40 am at night!!! This noise outside my house will drive me insane. I cannot sleep if there isn't silence. But the road-workers are doing a very good job in making my head explode. WHy do they have to dig up the street at the middle of the night??? That too in a residential area??? I mean for heaven's sake!! People need some sleep. Especially those people who, when not sleeping, blog and do useless things.

I guess this happens only here in Kolkata. Don't bother about the citizens. Dig your way through noisily. Wake up people and make old people more cranky, and young people more dopey. Why the eff won't people cheat on their taxes?

God! i need some sleep. I wanna call the police. But what will they do!! (smirk)

May be i will seek refuge to my cough syrup or my new book.

Just like that

This is my 20th post in four days. I am very proud of myself. :)

I just can't stop writing. I might just buy a netbook so i can blog my heart out in Hoag's class. I contemplate suicide in his class, normally. At least the netbook will make me do something productive. Anyways, i love blogging. It is making me so calm. I mean it's a new me. Just sharing thoughts with...well...no one.

I will go back to Plattsburgh in 13 days. I am looking forward to the new semester. G.P.A HAS to be 4.0 this time. I am such a nerd. Lol. I am also looking forward to some new experiences, some butt freezing weather and of course some Tim Horton's.

Still i feel something is missing. Something that is not there. I am feeling a bit uneasy when i am thinking of going back and not seeing my room for a VERY LONG time. I am feeling as if i am finally leaving. Leaving behind all my past screw-ups and my past dilemmas. I am feeling as if i am finally done. But i still feel a bit empty. For that one person whose bed makes me fall asleep even if i have slept for, well forever. That one person who does not judge me. AT ALL. That one person, whom i have hurt so much, still wants to come into my arms. That one person who will say i am beautiful even though i know i am not. That one person who will again sit in front of his computer for hours to see me on his screen. That one person who won't be able to make a countdown anymore because i am not returning anytime soon. That one person who has promised to be with me even though i have done so much wrong.

i miss you. every moment. i promise to be a better lover.

So i will be leaving soon and Kolkata will soon disappear from my posts. But can drama disappear from my life? lol. we have to wait and watch. But there is a surprise for someone before i go :)

Enough blogging for today. Nighty Nite peeps.

Liar

Why do people lie?

I mean, i know, i lie a lot. But people lie too. To me my lies almost seem real. To others my lies seem as real as it can get. I admit i can lie with ease. I have learnt it from some people. Lies about life, lies about feelings, lies about love. They all made the liar in me.

He is lying. She is lying. I am lying. You are lying. We are all living in a made up world.

Like the Roman and the Greek Mythologies, our lives are becoming surreal. It does not exist, but it still does. Like Harry Potter, we are tragic heroes fighting for our existence. Lies. We are young blood making a fool out of ourselves.

We lie to be apart and we lie to be together. We lie to ourselves to love each other. Look into the eyes. SEE. Deception. Greed. Lust. Lies!!! He is lying to you my child. He is playing with your emotions. Don't fall for it. He will cut you into pieces and blame you for it.

How do i know? He is Me.

LOVE

I don't know why i am writing this. Seriously. I mean i should stop right now if i want to save myself from confrontations. But what the hell.

No.1

I was 16. Really Young. I met him on Christmas eve after 11 yrs. I fell in love. Curse that love. He was 23, brilliant, living in United States and adorable. I was helpless. After he left, i used to sit in front of my computer for hours for his one IM. His replies made my heart melt. I tried SO hard to convince him that i was just not a regular teenager. I was a grown-up. He did not buy it. He made me fall in love with him and then left. He said i was too young and long distances never work. I told him to give me a year and i will be in that goddamn country. He did not want to wait. A hole was drilled in my heart. I became hollow. I could actually feel my heart. I grew up. The hole he punched through me will never heal again.

No.2

I was 17. A bit grown up. I met him on orkut. He was weird. I was getting over my aforementioned misery and he was getting over his freshly broken relationship. He was 17 too. We both became friends and fell in love. We became each other's shadows. We even fought on the issue "who proposed first". We still don't know the answer. Two years went by. We grew up together. We had our dramas. But we were best of friends. His happiness became mine. His world became mine. I guess i lost myself in him eventually. I dropped out of college to go to America. I was having one of my worst phases and he was climbing his stairs to stardom. He was everyone's favorite and I was his. We had become synonymous. But there were some lose strings. I was so busy keeping him happy that i forgot what kept me happy. I was so busy taking care of him i forgot to take care of myself. I started to gain weight again, fell sick more often. I did not care. His smile. That is what i wanted. But does love survive this way?

No.3

I was 19. A lot grown up. I met him through my ex-boyfriend. I sat beside him at lake and we talked about silly things that night. I came home, and gave him a call to decide whether he would come by the next day to get some things done for The Pit. He proposed on the call. I fell in love. I don't know how it happened. I don't know how i did it. But all i know is that those eyes killed me. I was escaping from No.2 i know, and no.3 was a great excuse to use. I would be leaving for college in four months. This new relationship will NOT last. It takes years to make a bond. Why did i take the risk of leaving an entirely stable relationship and plunge into a new one? I have no clue. May be i wanted to check myself. Maybe i wanted to get out. I was suffocated. tired. I wanted to be taken care of and not to take care anymore. I wanted security. I wanted to be weak and know that someone is here to fix it. Deepak fit the criteria. He takes care of me and provides me with everything. But starting off this relationship was not easy task. I already had a boyfriend who was begging and screaming and hurting himself to be with me. He threatened me to meet him and love him even though i had broken up with him. He was acting like a maniac. making me die in guilt and sorrow. My relationship with Deepak suffered his past chronicles and mine. I escaped to college. It suffered there too. My past just wouldn't let me go or i would't want to let go off it. I came back for my vacations and it still struggled. We almost broke up. I mean i literally left him. I was a complete maniac. I was cutting myself, drinking everyday. WTF!!!

New year. New resolution. Move on Pooja. If life has to turn, it will on its own terms. You don't have to control it. It has been over 9 months now. I and Deepak can survive. I know. If i want it to. I hope i will.

My life and experiences regarding love has been pretty dicey. But i will not give up. Love exists. Like fairy tales do ;)

Gone

A few more days

And i will be gone again

Will you like it then?

Like a dead leaf,

I will fly away.

Will you like it then?

Erased from your memories

Away from your thoughts

I will wither

And fade away.

Your new life will comfort you,

Your companion will make you smile.

I will be nowhere to be seen.

In your mind, I will die.

My presence is already a burden,

My face, to you, is full of sly.

My touch gives you the creeps.

My smile makes you cry.

Don't worry, I will be gone soon

You will forget me like you did others.

All those memories will be replaced.

Someone else will kiss away your tears.

I will be gone.

Will you like it then?

Life

Watched Avatar today. Great graphics!!! Thats about it. Great Graphics. That is what i have been hearing before i saw the movie. But there is a very strong message in the movie. Species Survival. Eliminating threats that would destroy life. The Navi's fought for their land. Their survival. The humans were fighting for mines. For money. For survival.

Get out of the movie. And look at the real world. Humans are destroying their own chances of survival. The earth is crumbling under the pressure of all the high risers and still we want to build higher. The CO2 emission in increasing every second, still we want to own more cars. We are running out of drinkable water and still there are people who gargle and spit out mineral water. Plastic is non-degradable, but still we are littering. Spitting, cutting tress, drilling holes and destroying. Thump! thump! thump!

STOP!!! Can't we see the earth can't take it anymore???

We are lucky to have such a beautiful planet. So, why are we so enthusiastic about destroying it? Humans are becoming weak with every generation. Brain capacity is increasing and immunity is not. SPM is making small children dependent on inhalers. All we hear from our grandparents is how fresh the air used to be before. I mean how did it change in 50 yrs? What will we say to our grandchildren? Will we live long enough to see our grandchildren? Will there be a planet for our grandchildren to be born?

The way we are headed, the answer is NO. The climate is changing. We are headed towards a calamatic weather change. The earth's plates are shifting drastically. Humans and machines are literally punching holes in the ozone layer. Cancer is at high risk. There are places in the world suffering from drought and desert like climates. A species is going extinct every day. Forests are being cut down. Hills are eroding. Sea levels are dropping and rising haphazardly. Glaciers are melting.

Why are we bringing about our own downfall? Why are we NOT thinking about our future generations? Ok. Let me cut down a forest so that i can built my company there. Who cares? I will be rich, and i will die in another 40 yrs anyways. I won't be here to see the earth perish. Kill the world. This is what we think? This is what the leaders, entrepreneurs and geniuses think?

Please sit back and think. Save the world for our children and their children. Stop running the tap when you are brushing your teeth. Stop using plastic.Stop littering. Use public transport and not your three cars. Switch off the lights when you are not in the room.Don't waste paper and please teach these to your children.

I promise, I will.

Don't be dependent only upon science. It can create and destroy. Just don't encourage it to create while destroying.

Love your planet. It's home.

Morning

My throat is being a bitch.

I had a dream last night. I am walking down a deserted street, and suddenly i see a circus. With jokers and belly dancers ( ?) and musicians and bands and other entertainers i don't remember. What is its significance? I have no clue.

But this dream has made me think about something. Life is a circus. There are entertainers and jokers around us. There are people jumping off planes, and there are roller coasters that are as tall as a little mountain. There are activities that gives you an adrenaline rush, and takes off the ground beneath your feet. Why? According to me, it's an escape route from reality. People want to escape from the horrors of real life and travel to a buckled up seat in a scary ride. The pumping chemicals and the screams makes us live in a distant land.

I love scary rides. The higher, the better. The more scared i am, the more i am away from all the hoopla of my life. I have not been to an amusement park for a very long time. I want to go. i want to get on rides and freak my thoughts out of my mind. But this just lasts for a few minutes. You again have to come back to reality once you walk out the exit gate.

I am late. What will my mom say if i reach home a 7:01 pm and not 7? What excuse should i make? Damn! i have to start packing again. Shit i have to order my books for the next semester. Crap i have to go shopping for all my necessities that i need to take back to college. Fuck!! Fuck!! Thoughts!! Thoughts!!

Roller Coaster. Here i come.

Mirror

I looked myself in the mirror

and saw my old body taking shape

the flabs, the marks and the tummy

is making my life unsafe, again.

What stimulated my body to grow?

Not love and it wasn't hatred.

But all the food my mind wants to gobble

Again and again, just to stay away.

My 15-year old self is looking back at me,

vulnerable weak and ballooned up.

When did this happen? When did i surrender?

My mind is the question and my body is the answer.

What am i hiding under all this fat?

My insecurities and all of that.

I don't want to deal with this anymore,

I want my 17-yr old back.

I want to look the way i liked.

I want back my infectious smile.

Health is Wealth

So the doctor said i have a throat and lung infection and i am prone to pneumonia. He asked me to take a couple of vaccines, and repeatedly told me to stay miles away from stress.

The latter is not possible. I have tried ignoring stress but it runs in my blood. I am ALWAYS stressed. ALWAYS thinking. ALWAYS scheming ways. Do i do it deliberately? No. i try to rest my mind a little, and i try to give it a break. It won't listen. I mean his downfall is so important to me that i think i won't be happy till i see him completely hopeless and weak. The lies, the back-bitching and the way he trophies his status in front of everyone, disgusts me. I seriously cannot believe i was associated with that creature ever. So am i scheming against him? Not anymore. 2010 has brought a new wave of tranquility in me. Even if not for me, deepak, my love, does not deserve to be a part of all this mishap.

My stress level in Plattsburgh used to be at a normal state because i had work to do. I could concentrate on other things and divert myself. Here, i am an idle mind, and idle mind is a devil's workshop. I guess this blog has helped to cope up with all the hatred in me. It helps me to release my thoughts and that keeps me away from all the jumbled up pieces in my head.

I have never been a healthy kid. Weight issues and breathing problems and never ending stress has always taken a toll on my body. It has again, now. My smoking is also at a bad situation. Gone are those days when i used to smoke expensive cigarette just to show people around that i can afford my style. Now its about compulsion. It is about addiction. Even if i am sick and cannot finish an entire cigarette i will still smoke. It makes me feel that my worries are floating away with the dense opaque smoke. But does it? Absolutely Not. The major issue is, I do NOT want to quit smoking. Though, i know Plattsburgh will moderate my smoking as the cold freezes my fingers to near frostbite.

I am aware of all the worthless people in my life, who want to incorporate my name into any silly gossip just to shoo away the heat off them. SO should my health suffer for them? NO. My body is not responsible for the shit that has happened in their lives. What has made them the back-bitching man whores they are? Themselves.

Horror-scope

Facebook Astrology is my future-dope:

"You may come to the realization that something you like to do is taking you in a direction other than the one you want to go in, Aries. This could even be a wake-up call about some obsession or habit that you've recently realized as not being fun anymore. At the same time, there is a big reward in sharing your experience with others. The position of Mars is one that shows wisdom gained from first-hand experience, rather than information gained from books. You may have an especially important message for a partner."

No, i am going exactly the way i want to go to. Yes, my obsession with lady gaga is not fun anymore. Yes, writing a blog has paved my way into stardom (NOT). Yes, the position of mars has taught me that DO NOT eat Chinese when you already suffering from diarrhea. Deepak, the message for you is, Stop being a smart ass.Asshole.

Horror-scope. I horror you back. J

Music

I don't talk much about music if i don't find my music-interested friends a part of my conversation. Music is very personal to me, and i am very choosy and picky about what i like to hear.

Yes. I listen to Lady gaga and i listen to Soulfly. I listen to FloRida and i listen to Gojira. I could cut my hand for John mayer and punch a baby for Necrophagist. Hence, i don't talk about my musical preferences. I am a hip-hop junkie and a Metalhead. What i am NOT is a poser.

I don't wear aviator sunglasses and try to be Nirvana's imaginary roadie. I do not have a lip piercing and claim my love for "Metal". I don't have tribal tattoos nor i have a cupboard full of cheap print band t-shirts. But i see these phenomenas all around me in my hometown. I mean from being a city of classical music, anyone you talk to nowadays will tell you that i am "Metalhead". I love "Metal". Give me "fuck bands" and converse and a ciggerette and i am Metal.

Was i ever one of them? Yeah for a few months and then i figured what's the point. If i want to wear a sparkly all star and dress up in a girly dress then why am i judged as being a "pop lover"?

If i want to go dancing in a club, then what in this situation proves that i have never listened to Cradle of Filth?

Coming to think about it, this discriminatory superficial attire is because the youngsters want to rebel. For what? 'cause they are bored. It is an act of coming of age i guess. I mean dress like a maniac and freak your parents out.

When will this change? Sometimes soon i guess. Some very wise "metalhead" will rise above from the horizon and enlighten the posers. I hope he just remembers to mention; weed destroys brain cells which are required for cognition and creative thinking. Dendrite and alcohol punches a black hole in the human brain every time it is abused.

Listen to good music. Stay clean.

P.R.E.T.E.N.D

Plaster a fake smile on your face and pretend to be nice. Why? The society demands it. Even if you want to kill the hostess of the party and want to pull a joker stunt, you can't. Why? Your mother demands it.

I have grown up in a family where faking is hereditary. I mean my mother and my sister are pros at it and they are making their money out of it. Even if they don't like someone, you have to show that they are your BFFs. Why? "paapi peth" demands it. Growing up with glamorous family members does not do much to your ego when you are 15 yrs old and almost 210 lbs. But when you are NOT 210 lbs and studying in United States then glamorous friends of glamorous family members want to talk to you. Why? I have NO freaking Idea.

I hate local "celebrities". I mean they are my mom and sister's clientèle but that does not make ME like THEM. They don't talk sense and No, i do not want to talk about how tacky someone dressed in some tacky bengali film premiere. For heaven's sake tacky IS the fashion in Bengali movies. You can't actually blame them. Whatever.

How do i escape? Feign a fever. Actually i did not feign it. The party brought my fever back. Thank God. I decided to leave and my mom agreed because she was tired as the party was her second "celeb" party for the evening. pbbt!!!

But i grabbed a plate of food before i fled to save my sanity. On the ride back home? My mom and sister on the phone. Celeb-gossip.

Puzzle Pieces

John Mayer. Making out. Lal Bari. Phuchka. Papri Chat. Naidu Di and Deepak's evening snack.

Makes me wonder if life really is THIS simple.

<3

Half-an-hour

What could happen in 1/2 hour?

A baby could be born.

An earthquake could happen.

Someone could take a dump.

Someone might have a nightmare.

All these things just takes a while

Still we complain we don't have time.

We run from north,

To East, South and West.

Why cant we stop a little

And take a little rest?

I know it would had been better

If the day would had been longer

But whats the point?

Will it make you rejoice?

The answer is no.

I know you know it.

So sit back right now

and think about it.

What could happen in 1/2 hour?

People busy, running around.

You could die, just right now.

AAARRGGGHHHH!!!

The water heating system in my bathroom sucks!! We have fourteen bathrooms in this haunted house and yet the worst heating system is in MY bathroom. WHY?? Because it's mine. I switched it on four hours ago and my intelligent house-keeper switched it off. I switch it on again and it will take centuries to heat one bucket of water!!!

I want to kill a bird. I know i won't do it. Why am i thinking of murdering innocent animals?? They are not THAT innocent when they shit on you. Are they?

Abhishek. I am working on the book. Don't worry. We will have a bestseller. I will drop out of college and retire. :P

Deepak, i am on my way. To take a bath. :D

Peace.

Kolkata

i am sitting beside my window and the sun is blaring its heat on one side of my body while my other side continues to be cold. Weird. Anyways, i am in my room, ready to take a bath and head out to meet my boyfriend, but my body wants to be lazy and i don't want to get up.

I have a slight fever and all that oil and spices are finally taking a toll on my tummy. I have already rushed to the bathroom three times and its not making me feel very good. And you are wondering if i am writing about my health issues then why i have named the post Kolkata? Because it's hometown and everything is happening here.

After four months i arrived home, very excited because i missed it like hell. I missed the sun and the sound of the prayers from the mosques which surrounds my locality. I was excited to eat all the food and meet all my friends and get drunk every evening, if possible. But now i am tired of it. I want Plattsburgh back. Why? I don't know. Is this feeling wierd? Yes. When i first reached the States 5 months back i was miserable, missing home every second. I was jealous of my american friends who could visit home every weekend if they wanted to and i cried almost every night for the first one month. What has changed now? I love America. That's what has happened. I love the people, the place, the culture, the freedom and the snow.

Kolkata is very much the same as i had left it. Though friends are no longer available at all times and i have not sensed much enthusiasm in people that i am back. I guess i am not a person who is missed much. I am not complaining. My home is suffocating me again. I don't talk to my mother as usual because of the fights we have. My boyfriend and I spend most of the time together but past issues screw up things sometimes. My best friends are also pretty busy and back to their usual life after the short holidays. Other friends, except a few, haven't even bothered to contact me. Last year this time, i used to be so busy, jumping from one band competition to the other and now there are none. Hence, Kolkata has changed, for me.

My life in Plattsburgh has changed Kolkata. Everyone seems distant. The people i used to hang out with every single day before i left are now least bothered. My relationship with my mother was better when i was away. My nephew visits me just once a week, and my sister, is well, being my sister. All that "miss u" and "can't wait to see you" seems like bull crap now. Why do people fake if they don't mean it? Because they are being people. Liars i tell you.

I was more closer to home when i was far away. Seriously. I was miserable sometimes but not ALL the time. Here, i am miserable most of the times, unless Deepak is entertaining me. I mean he is the only person who has shown genuine interest upon my arrival. Thank You.

People mostly ask me if i love it in the States. If you had asked me this question four months back, i would had thought about it and had given a detailed answer. But ask me now. Do i love it in the States? Hell Yes!

Best Friend

My best friend just walked out of my room 5 minutes ago and i guess i won't be seeing her for a VERY LONG time. Do i feel sad about it? Yes. Will i miss her? Yes. But i knew this would happen someday, when we finally say goodbye to each other for a long time. But i never knew it would happen so casually, and again i have the answer of why it is not hard for me to say goodbye to Juhi. Because it's just Juhi. She is more like a body part to me.

We have been friends for more than 15 years now. But she is my BFF for almost 7 yrs. She knows me very well. That's what she thinks. I mean knowing me completely is impossible. Knowing anyone completely is impossible, so why is "knowing" best friends such a big deal? I will tell you why. Curiosity. I believe its a human sin. Curiosity. Yes. It can end age long bondages, relationships and arguments. It can do good and bad to people. Coming back to the point. Knowing me is a bit hard, but knowing Juhi is a piece of cake. Why? Because she is simple. Will her simplicity kill her one day? Yes. It has killed her many times already.

So Juhi. The first post about you.

As i have always told you, think straight but its not a sin to add some turning points to the road of life. I mean what has your simple life with great ambitions given you? Nothing. You are not a victim but you let others take advantage of you. When in hell will you stop that? Things change. And you should change too. We are living in a very "kamina" world, and to survive you have to be a bit of a kamina. Look at me. I have had 1000 fuck-ups already but why i am still doing fine? Because i am a bitch. Not the blonde one, but the true one. I know how to step on others and make my way to the top. For heaven's sake you are the future-lawyer, and you should know these tricks better than i do. Don't they teach u these in college?

Another thing. I know how you hate college. Listen, even i dreamt of being in NYC but that did not happen because my mom won't spend the money. So i am in SUNY now. Am i complaining? Well sometimes in my head. But is that making me NOT love my college? Fuck NO. I love it. Its the best fucking thing that has happened to me. And ILS to you, and it is taking you closer to the dreams of you being a lawyer. So suck it up and make the most of it.

I will miss you. I admit it. And it is finally sinking in. Our ways have parted for real. But that will not stop you from being my bestesttttttttt fraand.

Take care Lazy ass. I know you will do good only if u know that is what you want. And stop saying that u are listening to your head when you have lend your ears to your heart. ;)

<3

FML!!

I am so furious that i could murder a cat, and that is pretty nasty cause i am an animal lover.

I would not say i hate my mother but i do loathe her sometimes. I know she is working very hard to provide me with all luxuries in the world but does that give her the right to plan my holidays? Apparently she has not been talking to me for the past 5 days. Nice. I am not complaining. But when she did open her mouth she talked about our trip to Puri for 4 days. FOUR DAYS. I have come to kolkata as a holiday. I don't want another holiday in my holiday. :x

I am not willing to give up four days of my vacation so that my sister and mother can flirt with the good-looking totally imbecile panda. aaaaaaarrrrrggggggghhhhhhh. I am not coming back home in the next one year. I know that. I don't wanna go to fucking Puri.

OK. i could go on the holiday and be a complete bitch and make everyone's holiday a misery in hell, BUT that won't give me back my four days in my room. WTF!!!! I am so fucking angry that my laptop is getting scared. I can feel it. FUCK!!

My mother is now shouting on the top of her voice, on the phone, i don't know at whom. GOD!! why does she always shout. I know she is overworked and underpaid ( :p ) but why does she has to behave with everyone as if they have come off the streets? I know why she has planned this trip. She doesn't want me to hang out with my boyfriend. I mean seriously, if the relationship survived an overseas distance for about four months than what will four days at an Indian sea beach do to it?

OK. Now she is seriously pissing me off. God! the woman, like all other woman in my family, has issues.

I seriously hope the pizza hurries up.

The Girl who cried Wolf

So. I am back in my room in front of my laptop typing in another blog ,yet again. I feel feverish and my entire body is aching. Before i hit the bed i want to say something.

My boyfriend thinks that this blog is for someone from my past. BUT IT IS NOT. It is about me and my thoughts about people i know, i see and i hear about. He thinks that i am writing this blog not out of any creative boom but because it is an excuse for me to talk about someone else.

The Truth.

Some posts might be about someone else, but they are because he has affected my life pretty effectively. What i am today and what my relationship is with YOU (my boyfriend) is because of him. I know you dont want to believe me and you are thinking that this is another of my escape routes to think about my past. But it is not. I am not the girl who is crying wolf. This Time.

I am saying the truth after thinking about it. I have made up my mind and i guess you know what my decision is. I am tired of the all the blame games and the hatred. I am tired of being the victim and victimising people. This is about my thoughts, what i feel. Believe me.

I hope you will understand someday that this is not about anyone else. I am doing something for myself for a change. Just blurting out thoughts is very rejuvenating and it is making me think about a lot of things. My creative urges will soon surface and this blog will no longer be about certain someone. Its YOUR choice now. Trust me or ignore this.

So i am off to bed now and i guess i will be blogging some more tonight.

Adios

Take care Me.

Emo-Shemo and All That...pbbt!

Well, i guess i am pretty serious sabout this blog because i am back at it. I have thousands of things to write about, but its impossible to type it in a single day. SO whats the virtue i am learning here- patience.

It is very important that i learn how to be patient because i am pretty... well disoriented...sometimes. Most of the times i don't know what i need, and the other times i change my decisions in a second. Anyways coming back to the point, what should i write about now?

I know. Blogs or well a particular "Blogger". Well in the past few days i have been following a couple of blogs. While some talk about world changing issues others are just blabbering about how sorry their life is. Lets talk about the latter issue. OK. So your life is bad. You are suicidal. You do drugs and drink till u feel dizzy and puke your guts out. You are VERY creative and write poems and proses which bring out your feelings. You change boyfriends like you change your wardrobe. Well.. RED ALERT: thats mostly EVERYBODY's life. YOU are NOT special. Thank you. What makes u special is the attention you are trying to seek because you are suffering from ADD. You are talented, and hence please put back your life into perspective. You are 18 years old and reading your blogs makes me think that why are u soooooo needy? It seems like u are a 40 year old stuck in a teenager's body. Why do you let others define you? If u don't know it already then i will say it to you on your face: Your tattoos and piercings DO NOT hide your insecurities. Focus on the gifts you have and become successful. You do not want to look back at this phase and curse yourself at your dumbfuckness. :) Why do i know all these things? Because i was also once 18, had shameful drunken revelries and abused drugs. I have also felt like committing suicide and i have also had quite a few relationships. But what was the awakening stigmata in me? MYSELF. But see YOU are lucky. Someone's writing a blog about you. I wish my awakening was so filmy.

SO u guys reading this are thinking - What right do i Have to diss someone else's blog while i am writing one myself? The answer is NO RIGHT. But i can still do it because its a free world and i want to barf out my thoughts onto blogspot space.

Well it's strange. I kinda feel i am doing some good work. I just hope the person whome i wrote about today doesn't read it and jumps off a cliff.

Take care.

See u soon. I guess.

Why am i doing this?

I know one person is gonna smirk his bunny teeth off when he sees that i have created a blog. Well, the next few sentences are dedicated to him. I HAVE NOT CREATED THIS BLOG BECAUSE I AM TRYING TO BE SOMEONE YOU KNOW,AND I AM NOT TRYING TO PROVE ANYTHING.

To the others who are wondering what just happened, i would like to inform that this is not the first time i have been bitten by the blogger bug. I had a blog a long time ago whose id and password are lost in my vast sea of memories.

So why this blog? If i couldn't continue my first blog then how come i have this new interest in my gut again? well, to be honest i am not sure if i will log in tomorrow and make a new post. I just felt like writing a blog and here i am, entertaining another sector of people who are so bored that they enjoy reading random blogs. I confess that i am one of them.

What is this blog about? Everything. Its about my life, people i know, love and hate. It is about my days and my life. It is about my experiences and also some confessions. The major deal is all about the confessions. Some nice ones and some not so nice ones. Some might hurt people i know, but its better i express my thoughts in this blog rather than bitching in my mind behind their back. :)

Why would you read this blog? I am not asking you to. You dont have to read a sentence more, and can leave right now. Its about life. Real life. And if THAT doesnt interest you, then my friend nothing would. Adios.

And to those who are still reading, Thank you. I hope you would laugh and cry with me in these blogs and not curse me when i make some confessions.

And my friends who know me, I am sorry if anything on this blog makes u hate me. Thats how i think, and i write what i think.

So ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between, buckle up and hold tight.

The whirlwind begins.