Trying

I am finally in my room. for three more days.

The numbness is finally setting in again. I am shutting off my system. I am getting back in my mode of Plattsburgh.

This vacation i learnt a lot of things. Most importantly if your heart is bleeding, no amount of self inflicted pain can beat the pain of your bleeding heart. Cutting myself up was a BAD idea. I have done that before, but this time it was strangely pleasurable. I don't want to repeat it. I don't want to die everyday like i have been for the past 9 months. It's not worth it. I understand that now. No one cares. No one will take the blame.

I want to live a normal life. This pain and hollowness inside me is getting bigger everyday, and i have finally learnt to stop being emotional. I have finally learnt to stop caring. I can finally be indifferent.

I am leaving again, but this time i WANT to. I don't want all the memories this city gives me. I don't want to be a player anymore. I want to be so busy that i don't get time for crying my eyes out every single moment i am awake. And this time i don't want to cry in my room at college. I want some freedom. I want some air to breathe in.

Alcohol and drugs are not answers to pain. What they do is they make it grow inside you, like a fertilizer to a parasite. SO my answer to my pain is shutting down my brain. Don't think. Ignore. Stop blaming. Stop being a victim. Love has never been for me. I never got anything but heartache from love. Hence, this time i am loving because i feel loved. I am in love because i need to forget my own pain. This time being in love is not about my man, but about me.

The pain in my heart does not die though. All i need to do is break it into pieces and ignore it once and for all. If he can move on, i can too.

It's time i kill my heart and ignore the pain. :)