Save me from Myself

In one moment your life changes. Many such moments has changed my life. I am not an arrogant, egoistic, spoiled brat. Life has changed me into one. One moment, two, three....i have lost count in my head. I don't know how many times life has fucked me and said, "Pooja, buckle up. You will be fucked harder next time." And it has been right. Instances. Circumstances. Pooja, buckle up.

I don't like to garner sympathy, nor am i strong enough to talk about what has happened in my life. What i choose to do is hurt people. Hurt them and may be, my wounds will heal. But they don't. Be rude to someone, show them who is the boss. May be my wounds will heal. They don't. Smirk at someone, diss someone, break the person's heart who has loved you the most. My wounds will heal. No, they stay open, unhealed, not taken care of. Bloody, itchy and now infected. Like gangrene my wounds are rotting in my memories. Stab someone, insult them. Nothing happens. My wounds remain the same.

Life should had been a great lesson for me, teaching me new things every waking hour. Do i learn? NO. You don't learn from my life. You just bury yourself deeper, farther away from reality. Your soul does not exist anymore. Because your soul was painted black in a dark room. It was dissected in a doctor's examination table, and was ripped apart by the person you thought could be yours forever. Your soul does not exist anymore.

Am i weak then? Fragile? Yes. I am. Poke at it and i will shatter. Someone, unknowingly poked me. I have shattered. Gathering those pieces and fixing myself up is a job i have done several times. But what is different tonight? I can't find my shattered pieces. They are nowhere to be found. I am melting away in space, disappearing. I can't see myself. I can't feel myself.

I ask you. Fix me. Hold me tight like you once did and say, I am here. I never meant to hurt you. I was just trying to keep away my hurt. But i have failed. I am a failure and now i have no choice. Compromising is not in me anymore. I can't take it. Yes, I am weak. Give me shelter in your strong arms. Save me from myself. Don't do it if u can't. Don't do it, if you don't want to. Don't do it because you know my story. Do it, if protecting me means protecting yourself.

I am not going to wither away just yet! I can bundle up my memories and burn them again.

I can curse people again, and become what the world knows of me. I will again become your nightmare. I will become what i know of me.