On your own

I am really tired. Couldn't sleep yesterday night, and today i hardly had any naps. As the days of me getting busier is coming back, i want to be as lazy as possible. I want to chill and get enough drunk to throw a fit.

If i throw a fit now, many people will be annoyed. One or two might just get busted. :P nah! i won't do that! i feel i have grown up. I am beyond those childish tantrums. This vacation has been a very significant one. I don't know when i am going to see my hometown again. Not in a short while, i know. Some people are getting relieved that i am leaving and some are going to be quite helpless.

For example, My mom is going to be all alone again. No, i have not spent every waking hour of my vacation with her, but i know that she feels relieved at night when she knows that her daughter is sleeping in the room next to her's. She thinks i am the rebel. She always knew deep down that i will move out of my home at an early age, but she tried very hard to prevent it. Although she knows that i am trying to make my dreams possible, she had tried very hard to burden me with her dreams. Didn't work out. For one year she was at my neck when i decided to drop out of college and prepare for USA. She slapped me, screamed at me, bribed and insulted me. But then she gave in because she knows that i will be successful in what i have chosen for myself. The land where dreams come true.

Living alone is a lesson on it's own. No one is there to pay you a Rs 100 whenever you ask for it. No one is there to take you to dinner because you don't feel like eating home food. No one is there to care for you when you are sick. No one you have known your entire life is there to share your achievements and successes. But you learn to celebrate on your own. You learn to take care of yourself. You learn to value money. You become independent when you are 19. You become your own parent when you are still a child.

I like it. I am more responsible now. When no one is there to complain about your bad grades you can choose not to care and carry on. But i choose to do well. to succeed. For that person who believed in me. Who believed that i could do well in a distant land. I am trying to be successful and i do succeed for that one person who trusted her little daughter so much that she let go off her. I try to be the best because of my mother.

When she curses me and tells me that i can do better even though i have a 96, i know that her smile is hidden somewhere in all that melodrama which comes with being a mother. I can see her pride when she talks about me and my achievements. And that makes all those fights insignificant, it makes all those "i won't talkk to you anymore" disappear. It makes all those "you won't achieve anything the way you are doing things" negligible. Yes, she is my driving force.

I love you, maa. I hope you continue to believe in me the way you do. I hope i can make you prouder each passing day.