I have become this ping-pong ball. Moving from one direction to the other because wherever i turn, i am hit right back to where i started from. Now, i don't know what to do with my life. My ambition of finding the cure for cancer is slowly disappearing, and i am thinking again and again of changing my major. I love biology but i love other things too. If i want to graduate in three years i cannot change my major. Period. And moreover, if i DO change it i am sure my mother would stop paying for college, which is a huge fucking factor. May be after i graduate and get a decent job, and earn a few bucks i might consider going back to school. To major in Philosophy. Yes. You have read it right. Philosophy. I love the subject. It helps me connect dots in the confused world of human thoughts just like science helps me connect dots in the outside world.
Other than the academics, i am not very sure of my life. My love life has been absolutely shitty over my teenage years. The closer i am moving towards completing 20 years of my life, i look back and see mostly pain. Name it. I have faced it. It seems like what possibly could have happened in the life of a 20 year old, but believe me, shit happens. Especially to me. Mostly for my own mistakes, the others can be blamed on a few people, but they blame me back for it.
I don't know why most people hate me. I mean, i ain't a cruel witch. I help everybody almost going out of my way. I have always treated friends as my family. I have made my lovers the center of my world. But it was never enough. I never got back what i deserved.I think i deserve things, but i guess i don't in reality. May be something is wrong with me. May be something is wrong with them.
I can't analyze anymore. It hurts me, and i am losing my concentration and attention. I am hurting myself even though i know i am not the villain. I know i am not good enough, but i am not the worst out there.
I had been a good girl to you. I still am, and i will continue to be.
I am trying really hard to be satisfied with what i have. But the feeling is not complete. It has holes and gaps in it. I feel empty sometimes, and sometimes my own emotions overwhelm me.
I don't know myself, and i can't expect you to know me. But i have asked you to love me. I will keep on asking. May be i won't speak it anymore, and seem like a complete psycho bitch, but i will keep on asking you to adore me. Like you did. Like you do. I will work on my faults, and someday i might be good enough for you, but till then please don't leave me. I need you. More than i thought i ever would.
May be nothing is wrong with me. May be something is wrong with the way you look at me, and judge me. May be something is wrong in the way you think about me. May be it's not you.
May be it's just the situation.
But whatever it is. This is me. weak and strong. tough and fragile. kind and obnoxious. modest and proud. This is me. This is what you fell in love with. Remember? Just hold on to that thought of me. I will try to be back. I will try to be the person you fell in love with.
May be i am that person now. But layered. Tailored. Very tired. But deep down i am still there. Deep down i am still yours. Deep down i am just the same person.
Deep down i am me. The person who is you. The person you love right at this moment. The person who wrote this. The person who is thinking about you while writing this.
May be nothing is wrong with me. May be something about you makes me wrong. Fix it, and we will be perfect. We will be what we dream us to be.
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