Once in a Blog time

What started as my biggest revelation has ended up being my biggest nightmare. I do not have the strength anymore. I do not have the will or the enthusiasm to come to terms with myself.

My confessions are deadly. They change. They come back. They hold no meaning once they are out in space.

Seriously, what am i running away from? Me or reality? Am i this weak? Have i always been this week, dependent on people, but pretending to be fiercely independent?

What am i? Who am i?

WIth every passing moment, i am running, but from whom? Why am i running? What do i fear to lose? All these question unanswered. He tells me that I am the one with the answers within myself. I dig deep. All i find in hollowness, confusion, and a lot of self contradiction.

I have become an excuse for my actions. "I have always been that way", this is what i say after my every action. But is this true? Do i say what i mean? Am i even true to myself? Am i even what i have always thought myself to be.

I feel like thousands of me live in one body, changing with every second, every moment?

Will i find my answers if i live in solitude? Will i find my answers if i cut my cords with the people i have given myself to?

Am i capable of living alone?

May be i am just a parasite, sucking out emotions from people who love me. May be i am just an ordinary person with an extraordinary appetite for weakness.

Do i make you weak to suck away your happiness?

Dogma

What do you think is good for you, could turn out to be fatal for you. I am very tired, for no reason at all. Feel extremely exhausted. The four walls of my room are filled with memories and it is suffocating me. Kolkata has become such a bitch to me, but i am determined. I am not going to let my emotional turmoil ruin this vacation for me. What was to be done is done. There is no looking back. I have to move forward. I have to regain the essence of life.

This hollowness will fade away, i know. It always does. My ethos of life is to live. I will live. I have to survive.

R.I.P Love

I know i have not done justice to my blog. I have suffered a lot the past month, and somehow i am coming to a closure now that i am home.

Letting go off a relationship has never been easy. This time, though, it is extra hard. It is more painful than usual.He was a good man, and he treated me well. A lot of things have changed though. We had a lot of problems, lot of hiccups we had to overcome.We did in a way, but all those time i drifted apart. All those times i made a wall around me.

Do not take me wrong. I still care for you, but it is not the same. I do not melt at your sight anymore. I do not just fly away when i am with you.

Things have changed. I have changed. It is better to move on than holding onto something so hollow.

Have a good life. Forgive me if you can. As long as i was with you, i loved you with all my heart.

cringe

I have no idea how to explain the state of my mind right now. I am extremely bitter, i am extremely frustrated. One thing i have come to understand is that my past will always be there to haunt me.

GOD!! wtf! there is something called moving on. I am trying. Why the fuck are you stuck? I cannot comment on anything without you going back.

SO for me either i zip it, or take up whatever you have to complain about!

YOUR six months, YOUR pain, YOUR love!

You keep on saying that everything is about me, but is it?

A bit of bantering!

I cannot express how frustrated i am right now with college. Last semester wasn't this bad or this HARD. Godfuckindamnit!!

I will cut open the person who will ever say that "Undergrad in USA toh khub easy"!!!!!




aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

I want to scratch open someone's eyeballs before i return to my 10-page long essay which is due TOMORROW!

All is Yours

I know you will be reading this sometime soon, and it is written exclusively for you.

Ganguly, I know i am not one of those mushy girlfriends who gush over anything the boyfriend does. I know i am tough with you. I know i can be quite a pain sometimes. I hurt you, i undermine your dreams, i sometimes even discourage you.

But tonight i long to be with you. I just want to lie beside you, and hear your heartbeat, which is always so profound and loud. Today i wish i can stand beside and look at the skies from your terrace. Tonight, i am longing to be exclusively yours. Tonight i declare myself rid of all my thoughts, and tonight i guess it is your victory. You have done it Ganguly, you have cleansed me and made me yours. I am more proud of you than i am proud of myself. I feel liberated. Thank you for sticking with me, and making me feel anew.

Tonight I am yours baby, and tonight we celebrate our love.

Till, you have read this you wouldn't even know how much you have helped me. Somehow, i like it that way. When you would read this after a day or two, i know you will have a smile on your face. :)

Let's love Again

Insecurity is one thing, but hyperventilating because i "dreamt" that he will leave me is making me think i am going crazy.

Let me make one thing very clear - to myself - i am not one of those girls hungry for love. Well, i appreciate being loved, but i am not going to get crazy because i am insecure. I may not be the perfect girl on this planet, but i do have my strengths.

I believe that love does not last forever. It does not. It changes like seasons. People fall in and out of love almost every day, and it is stupid to think that heartaches last forever. It lasts alright, but fades away with time. So, being insecure will take no one, anywhere. Be ready to face the heartache. Be ready for the special someone to tear you into pieces. Do not think how painful it would be, do not think you will die without them, but think that if you were meant to be, then the pain would had not come on the first place. Do not compromise your place in love. Fight for your rights. If you are being loved, you should be loved for what you are.

Today, i kind of realized a very "gobhir" thought.Ganguly has seen the worst of me. I couldn't go any more cruel than what he has seen me do. Therefore, if he has stuck with me through that then, i should zip my hole, and stop being insecure. He will leave, if he has to leave. If i dread the moment that may have NO chance of occurring, i am losing all the moments which could have been beautiful memories.

I am giving us another shot. Not because of myself, but because of showing him that all those times he did not leave me, he made the right decision. I am worth it,if i feel myself to be.

Love is a weird phenomenon my friends. It makes you want to die. Other moments it makes you want to live. There are some exclusive moments where it teaches you to love yourself. ;)

Sweet Call

There is just one thing i want you to know,
There is just one thing I want you to see,


I am in agony, I am in need.

Just because i say so, This time, Do not just let me be......

Bird's Nest

When i think about home nowadays, i think how many memories i am missing with my family. I have missed almost everyone's birthday, my mom's just two days away, and i would have to wish her over the phone. Now, i won't be able to get up in the morning and go to her room and curl myself up under her blanket. The way she rubbed my back, and talked about my future, made me think my life was perfect as long as i have my mother. I miss her the most. More than anyone.

I also feel sad when i think, that i missed Krish's first day at school. I miss the way he is growing up. I am missing all that time i would had been close to him, if i were not crazy to chase my dreams in the "land of dreams".

I do not regret my decision, but i do know that life would had been more colorful with family around. However much of a dysfunctional family i have, it is still family. It is important to survive. It is important to value oneself. I know many teenagers and young adults want to move out to be away from family. My advice to them: do not run away from them. If u have to move away for your future, do it, but remember family is what you will have that is yours forever, without any conditions.

"Aye brishti jhepe"

I have never been able to see the romanticism in a rainy day. I tried, but i couldn't. I still remember as a child looking at my sister lazying around on a rainy day. Playing ghazals on the tape-recorder, talking to one of her boyfriends. I used to act to think it was all so romantic. I was six, a mere child. As i grew up, i figured, i HATE rain. Monsoons in kolkata meant a relief from the glaring heat, it did not mean feeling poetic or romantic. Fancy my luck, i am now stuck in Plattsburgh, where it rains almost every week. I hate mud, i hate water-log, i hate getting my clothes wet, i hate it the most when the hem of my jeans gets all muddy and black. *uggggghhhh*

You know what's romantic? The snow. The first flake of crystals makes me gush. It gives me an adrenaline rush. The whiteness and the purity cleanses my mind, and i feel like standing outside for long hours, just looking at the white, glittering snow. It's so soft, and mushy. I love the slush it makes after melting a bit. I love the silence it creates. I love the first snow. I just love snow. period.

I guess i am a romantic. Just at a different time of the year. I think i do not need to mention that i am not looking forward to the weather in Kolkata. I would appreciate some heat, but not the humid kind. One thing i adore about the monsoons in Kolkata: phuchka in the evening, the cool breeze blowing through my hair. ;)

Outcome of a doomed weather

I let you be,
I let you grieve,
I let you be one with me.

I held you tight,
I wiped your tears,
I took away all your fears.

I dreamt your dreams,
I chased your goals,
I forgot who i really was.

In all these ways,
I have given myself away.
But now it is time to change all that.
Now it is time for me to live my life.