No.1
I was 16. Really Young. I met him on Christmas eve after 11 yrs. I fell in love. Curse that love. He was 23, brilliant, living in United States and adorable. I was helpless. After he left, i used to sit in front of my computer for hours for his one IM. His replies made my heart melt. I tried SO hard to convince him that i was just not a regular teenager. I was a grown-up. He did not buy it. He made me fall in love with him and then left. He said i was too young and long distances never work. I told him to give me a year and i will be in that goddamn country. He did not want to wait. A hole was drilled in my heart. I became hollow. I could actually feel my heart. I grew up. The hole he punched through me will never heal again.
No.2
I was 17. A bit grown up. I met him on orkut. He was weird. I was getting over my aforementioned misery and he was getting over his freshly broken relationship. He was 17 too. We both became friends and fell in love. We became each other's shadows. We even fought on the issue "who proposed first". We still don't know the answer. Two years went by. We grew up together. We had our dramas. But we were best of friends. His happiness became mine. His world became mine. I guess i lost myself in him eventually. I dropped out of college to go to America. I was having one of my worst phases and he was climbing his stairs to stardom. He was everyone's favorite and I was his. We had become synonymous. But there were some lose strings. I was so busy keeping him happy that i forgot what kept me happy. I was so busy taking care of him i forgot to take care of myself. I started to gain weight again, fell sick more often. I did not care. His smile. That is what i wanted. But does love survive this way?
No.3
I was 19. A lot grown up. I met him through my ex-boyfriend. I sat beside him at lake and we talked about silly things that night. I came home, and gave him a call to decide whether he would come by the next day to get some things done for The Pit. He proposed on the call. I fell in love. I don't know how it happened. I don't know how i did it. But all i know is that those eyes killed me. I was escaping from No.2 i know, and no.3 was a great excuse to use. I would be leaving for college in four months. This new relationship will NOT last. It takes years to make a bond. Why did i take the risk of leaving an entirely stable relationship and plunge into a new one? I have no clue. May be i wanted to check myself. Maybe i wanted to get out. I was suffocated. tired. I wanted to be taken care of and not to take care anymore. I wanted security. I wanted to be weak and know that someone is here to fix it. Deepak fit the criteria. He takes care of me and provides me with everything. But starting off this relationship was not easy task. I already had a boyfriend who was begging and screaming and hurting himself to be with me. He threatened me to meet him and love him even though i had broken up with him. He was acting like a maniac. making me die in guilt and sorrow. My relationship with Deepak suffered his past chronicles and mine. I escaped to college. It suffered there too. My past just wouldn't let me go or i would't want to let go off it. I came back for my vacations and it still struggled. We almost broke up. I mean i literally left him. I was a complete maniac. I was cutting myself, drinking everyday. WTF!!!
New year. New resolution. Move on Pooja. If life has to turn, it will on its own terms. You don't have to control it. It has been over 9 months now. I and Deepak can survive. I know. If i want it to. I hope i will.
My life and experiences regarding love has been pretty dicey. But i will not give up. Love exists. Like fairy tales do ;)
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