Getting Older

I have a squirmy feeling in my stomach since morning. I do not know what is is for. I do not know if it is a signal or not. My gut feeling has always, almost been very accurate, but i do not what is it this time.

I trust myself more than i used to a few weeks back. Life changes overnight, and i have learned to cope up with it. I do not get hysterical anymore, and i do not throw a fit and accuse everyone around me. I have learnt to be happy in my skin. I am pretending. I am holding on to my sanity.

You know why?

Because when i am hurt, it's just me being hurt. No one will understand it. No one will ever even relate to what i am going through. You can sympathize alright, but that means shit. It's my pain. No one will be ever to reduce it, no one can take it away. Moreover, mostly people don't bother. No one wants a whiny bitch in their life. So i have stopped being whiny.

I feel kind of empty. Like a big chunk of me is missing. Sometimes makes me think, that i have been feeling this for so long that i do not recognize the moment when i am NOT feeling it. But there are moments when i get happy, and when the feeling of a gap creeps in me, it hurts like a bitch.

I need a break from all these thought. I need a break from myself. I need a break from you. Most people in my life have been huge mother-fuckers. It's okay. I need a break from all of you. Those whom i loved like a part of me turned out to be even bigger bastards. Lust and Money, they were ready to take in a fat girlfriend. When i think about this it makes me laugh. They cannot digest the fact that i dumped them - An ugly bitch dumped their ass. May be they deserved it OR may be not.

Another thing. Apologies do not matter. If a dick head wants to be a dick head and think with his dick then no amount of apology will ever make him feel sorry for me. It's okay, AGAIN. I am not "really" the loser here.

And the guy i have in my life right now? I feel sorry for him. He has been through so much of shit with me, it's ridiculous he has still stuck to me. For him whatever shit i have gone through is ridiculous too. I can walk away from him any day i want. I know he doesn't have the ability to stop me. But i do not want to walk away from him. For a change i am in love because he says he is in love with me. The day he changes his mind, i will make him miserable, but till then i want to live this life with him.

He is not really a knight in shining armor, but he definitely is a person close to my heart. The only person in this world whom i do not hate with all my heart. I do hate him, but i love him more. He has accepted me with all my flaws, i appreciate that. Many did not have the balls to do that! But no! this guy claims to love me.

Let him Love me. I am not complaining. I rather like it a lot. :)